Dear (ex)stepdad,

Forgiveness is suppossed to be a powerful weapon.
A weapon to use for healing, for moving forward, and for forgetting

But what if I can't forgive? What if I can't forget?

There are invisible scars left on my mind, invisible bruises etched into my brain.
I can't see them, but I do feel them.

I feel them in my day to day life. Like when someone walks up behind me, or
when I get a glimpse of a man that looks like you. When somone raises there hand to give me something, I flinch.
I am scared to tell people no, afraid that may take things from me anyway.

How can I be expected to forgive when you did what you did? 
You took a little girls innocence from her. You took a little girls mind and broke it.
You told me I could never be anything. That I would never go to college. That I would never be anything.
I live with your actions and words in my mind everday. I live with the feeling of your hands on me every second.
I am afraid to go into the town only a few minutes from where I live. I am afraid of every blue truck I see, afraid that it's you coming to finally get your revenge on me. I am afraid every second of the day because of you.

I am told that forgiveness is a good thing...but I do not believe that. I believe that if forgiveness is deserved, it can be a good thing. But you? You dont don't deserve a second of my time. You don't deserve forgiveness. Not for what you did. Forgiveness is supposed to help me move on, but I don't need to forgive you to move on with my life. I am doing just fine without you. 

Maybe one day I will forgive you for touching me. For telling me that what you were doing to me was okay (which I didn't even know that was a lie until I was thirteen years old.)  Maybe one day I will forgive you. But that day will not be until I stop having nightmares about a man sneaking into my room at night. Not until I can go through a day where I am not constantly on edge and over aware of my surroundings. Maybe then I will forgive you. Or maybe I wont't. I'm okay with either. I can live with never forgiving you, because forgiveness is not always a good thing. And you certaintly do not deserve forgiveness, and I don't think you ever will.

Insincerly,Emma Rose