I’m Sorry, Mom

I never amounted to your expectations

My grades only Bs and Cs after all

It’s only natural for a parent to be mad

About anything less than an A

My behavior mediocre

After all

Your parents beat you for misbehavior

So shouldn’t I be grateful and well behaved

In exchange for your leniency?

 

I’m Sorry, Mom

That I never went to all those meetings

The meetings for autistic parents

The meetings for autistic kids

I mean, as a kid with borderline autism

I should have been thrilled to interact with my own

To live among the rest of the freaks

I should have been ecstatic

After all

The teenager in their family has Asperger's too

Why wouldn’t I want to play with him?

 

I’m Sorry, Mom

That I caused so much trouble

That I resisted your authority

Our arguments and screams

Heard throughout the neighborhood

My voice raising high

For what I perceived was my justice

I should have let you guilt trip me

After all

I was supposed to be the easy one

Why shouldn’t I behave?

 

I’m Sorry, Mom

That I renounce your religion

My non-belief quelled in my throat

By your tears

That I will not carry on our Jewish Lineage

That after my Bar Mitzvah I lost my faith

That I could not feel the presence of God

After all

My ancestors survived the Holocaust to be Jewish

Why shouldn’t I follow their example?

 

I’m Sorry, Mom

For all of the above

But there is one thing that I am sorry for

More sorry than anything else

 

I’m Sorry, Mom

But I’m NOT sorry

 

I’m NOT sorry

For not letting you guilt trip me

Because just because I was

“supposed to be the easy one”

Does not mean I have to be

 

I’m NOT sorry

For finding my own belief

That differs from the rest of my family

That I can only express in poetry

Because people label me like my brother

And think he influenced me

 

I’m NOT sorry

That I don’t want children

That I want tattoos and piercings

That I don’t care if I’m buried in a Jewish cemetery

 

I’m NOT sorry

That I let you parade me around

Like some sort of freak

Let you take me to freak shows

To interact with people

On the pure common ground that autism affected

Their lives as well as mine

 

I’m NOT sorry

For being who I am

 

The only thing that I am sorry for

Is that you perceive your life purpose

To be having Jewish grandchildren

And if you can’t take that.

Then maybe I’m not your son