For You and You Alone

There’s so much I do on your behalf.

Restrain myself.

Degrade myself.

I keep myself in check.

Keep myself down and lowly,

All so you don't have to.  So you can be good.

So you can play the beauty taking pity on the wretch.


I’m disgusted on your behalf.

I have to see myself naked, so I’m disgusted,

I have to hear my thoughts on life, so I’m disgusted,

I’m disgusted by my attraction to you,

So you don't have to be.

So you don't have to see such

Unseemly things.


It’s protection.

It’s love.

It’s hate.


I am disgusted on your behalf.

Not because I care for you,

Not because I love you,

But because I know your disgust would hurt more.

Your rejection terrifies me,

And that terror disgusts me almost as much as 

The lust,

The love that I tell myself doesn't exist

That yearning and desire that I tell you

Would never

Will never

Could never exist.

All lies.


I lie on your behalf.

Say you’re sick when you’re skipping class,

Say you’re in love when you’ve told me you have doubts,

Say I hate you when really I love you.

Hate is better.  Hate is clean.

Hate is godly.


Hate is god.


This poem is about: 
My family



Don't be angry.  That love hate is understanding too.

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