If I knew what drowning felt like, I might say I was

If I could find myself, I would start looking

If I could become water, maybe I wouldn’t drown

 

The weight does feel like endless fluid

Crashing down on my fragile neck

Snapping my spine when I should have been strongest

 

I see my worries as air

Taking form in orbs of liquid

As I breathe, they surround me

 

If I could break the orbs, I’d have two options

If I swing at them, I could be on the surface

If I swung with a heavy arm, I’d be falling deeper

 

I think I’m crying but who can tell

I’m swimming in tears numbered with the stars

I should feel weightless floating in this deep blue

 

I hear nothing but muted mumbles

Under the water you can see everything

But nothing is clear enough to understand

 

If I could let go, I’d release

If I could give up, I’d surrender

If I could lose, I’d stop trying

 

I taste my own blood

Not the first time I’ve known the flavor

Unsure if I made myself bleed or if I had help

 

Fins on shapes swirl around my body

Their eyes stare and see but nothing more

I’m being used to pass the time

 

If I could scream, you wouldn’t hear

If I could run, it wouldn’t be fast enough

If I could escape, I’d be brought right back

 

I suppose that’s the thing with drowning

It only looks peaceful

Until you’re looking up from under the water