Each and every day of my life, I search for my self. I find myself again and again and then lose myself in all the thoughts that swim around in my head. I over-think and under-think and thorough-think and barely-think, all at once. I can’t think about myself because all these thoughts are driving me insane. I don’t know who I am when I look in the mirror, I can’t understand people that have always been near.
I want to scream to the world to take it away, but instead I keep smiling day by day. I don’t know how to take this deafening silence any more, but I can’t stop going. So I just keep on pushing through, pretending I’m fine. Everyone seems fooled.
I don’t know how to stop, because all the good I do makes me think about others and what they think of me. The people that matter most are what hurt me the most because I care too much and I look too close. I know that they are just people like me but I can’t help but wonder if they ever see the pain I’m always hiding, the terror, and shame. I wish I could tell someone, but I can’t take the blame.
What are all these thoughts? These worries and guilts? For things I’ve done right but somehow still scare me. I want to run away in a corner and hide. Hide from all the monsters gnawing inside.
But instead, I keep smiling.
I’m drowning in waves of thoughts I didn’t know I would had. When I made friends, I felt so glad. But now that I have you I can’t stop the thoughts that swirl like a whirlwind, and take things out of control. I’m always uncertain, but I’m too scared to speak. What if I mess it up worse if I make a peep. I’m terrified of losing what I have, and this silence inside is making me mad but if I talk, will it aggravate you? Will you be infected with this paranoid bug too?
Somebody help me. Just read my mind. I can’t talk, can’t scream, can’t stop hurting inside. I want my brain to stop working, to stop thinking, be still. I want to be content with the world I have still, but when I find the good I keep questioning if it is real. I am scared to be happy, to be sad, to complain. Scared to keep running, to hold still, lest I slip down the drain. I just want to be me, but I can’t find myself. I can’t talk to you or anyone else. People might care, or they might turn away, and I can’t bear the thought of not having them on another day.
I’ve always been here for everybody, plus one, but I can’t keep helping when I’m holding a gun. I’m about to explode but I can’t let it out. So if I keep my distance, now you know why. Its for your own safety from this storm brewing in my mind. I don’t want to hurt you, so I can’t let you in. I’m scared for myself, but more scared for you. I can’t risk your safety because I care way too much. You are what matters, so I’ll stay hush-hush.
But if you ever see me with tears in my eyes, behind my mask of smiles, its because with every day that goes by all this confusion is stuck deep inside. I don’t know what happened, I’m trying to keep my cool. I never felt so confused before, but now I just can’t see how its worth it. I keep on going each day for you. Not for me, but for others, who I don’t know what they would do. I keep on smiling outside and sobbing deep down because of the people I can’t bear to see frown. I’m living my life for everyone except me and the voices inside won’t let me be. I can’t keep on going but I cannot stand still. I have to keep moving or these voices might kill. I love people so much that I give them my all and then when I try to find me I have nothing at all.
When people don’t answer I worry that I’m giving too much, but I have to have someone to whom I can clutch. Somebody listen, see my pain please. Somebody help me, I’m begging you. I can’t ask you, can’t speak, can’t hold it in, I have nothing to keep. I can’t tell, can’t share, can’t go, and can’t stay, can’t scream, can’t stay silent, can’t get better today. All I want is someone to talk to me. To care how I’m doing, to share their life with me. I thought I found someone but now I’m worried they’re drifting away. My life is so uncertain and unstable this way. I can’t keep on living, can’t die, can’t cry, can’t smile. I can’t keep on hiding, helping others all the while. Someone once told me that before I could help, everyone else, I had to help myself. But I can’t help myself when I don’t know who I am. I’m stuck in a circus pen with no way out.