Image by Belinda Capol

 

I am terrified

that one day I will wake up and you

will be gone.

it will all be a dream

and she’ll be there, her hair tied up

staring at a screen

earbuds in

and she’ll be there, a few walls between

wonder if she knows I know

wonder if I’ll go check on her

this time.

I am terrified that you will tell me

“this is going to end

this is ending now

everything you’ve loved has

ended”

but

I still want to love you.

I want to take that risk

give you everything I have until I’m

all dried up.

and maybe your breath

will fill my lungs

maybe your hands

will replenish my strength

maybe your love

will fill my veins again

because I don’t remember what it feels like

to be in love.

I’d like to be in love with you

if you’d let me?

will you let me?

or will you leave me, too?

well.

I don’t know yet.

I hope I never find out.

I hope our days will be quiet

and our nights will be soft

the sunsets compete with rainbows

and we never see the sunrise

for sleeping in too long

a picnic in the park

meander through the thrift shop

finding cute outfits and

matching love songs

drown me in your music

cause I never want to stop listening to you

you’re all the notes I ever read

the only melody I want to play

and suddenly I hope this won’t end.

 

it wasn’t that sudden.

it was slow.

like the building of a life

or the slow beating of a heart in sleep

only doing enough to get by

and now that my heart is full

and your heart is lost

i’m not really sure what to do.

I know what I want

I know what’s probably right

I know these things don’t line up.

 

I know my heart is tight

a constricting snake searching for dinner

the kind of food I’ve never eaten

but I can smell it

feel its warmth against my lips

see its glistening right-ness

with my very own eyes

and I never want to let go

never want to share

willing to share

if we can divide our plates equally

share the portions amongst us

like the last dinner we have

every night.

 

I’m tired now.

my eyes are heavy

sore.

I’m scared now.

my chest is tight

fluttery.

I’m torn now.

my heart is not my soul

split apart.

wonder where tonight will take us?

wonder if it will be worth it?

wonder if you’re excited?