third relapse.

I can make believe that I don't feel this way but it might 
make shit worse.
I made the mistake of time traveling
and my mind started racing,
heart pacing faster than the speed of light
all over the things you used to say.

This is a relapse, yes, but I hope for it to be the last.
EVERYTHING happens in three's, that's what I believe 
and this is the third time this has occurred.
So, I suppose this would be the last time I invest in you.
It's a nice distraction from reality though because my thoughts
on you never changed. 
Only thing is that I become timid from all of the over-thinking
and I cannot help but have the urgent want to kill you in your sleep
or kiss you ever so lightly and smile.
This is all because of my over-thinking, of course.
As well as the comments gained over the months
At the drop of the name, my mind would forever continue to
make up silly things while my heart hoped to see you
I say all these lewd and rude comments about you that I'd wish
you'd hear. 
There sort of an emotional release but they don't really do
much for me because in the end, a text from you makes me smile.

And I know why I act like this.

Because, regardless of what was said, what was heard,
what was seen, what was told to me, I never gave up hope
You took me in your arms when NO ONE wanted to.
And I can sip my tea while that last line sinks in to people
but it's the truth
And while scaaaa-rolling! as I went back in time
I realized that the decrees made back then were 
the same as the ones that I can make today--and I start to smile.
Y'know, giggling and shit over said decrees.
That's fucking scary.
Loving you is fucking scary because I'm dealing with
neglected and resurrected feelings and if they were to be 
turned away, they would eat me alive.

So what's the solution? Showing you this could be one
But it's the voice inside my head that keeping me from doing so
You remember Naemi right? Well her. 
She's telling me to wait til I see you face-to-face but what's the point
of even TRYING forreal?
You're gonna reject me and I'm gonna go into the New Year someone completely different than now.
You're gonna reject me and I'm gonna cry
You're gonna reject me and I'm scared. For what though?
When you accepted me in the first place, I faced nothing but rejection.
Maybe because that's something you never did.


Honestly, I cannot care less about the comments that float around
if I was to be accepted by you again because they're not the ones
dealing with this abused heart of mine
Nor can they fix it. Nor do they have an opinion on who and what makes me happy because
in the end, they're not the ones that I want to wake up beside on a bright Sunday morning
and smile.
It's you.



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