A Study in Rainbows and Self

Sat, 05/18/2019 - 23:23 -- ec10202

Once, I played alone in my head,

Not a worry in sight.


That was a distance memory,

A dream I think back on while lying alone in the dark.

What that really me?


That carefree little girl

Chained to an uncaring iron cross of hate?


Now, I cry alone in my head,

Worries snapping at me like hounds.

I want out.

I’ve realized I’m chained to a cross of hate and can’t keep smiling through it

I’ve become what they hate,

I’ve stepped down onto a path they warned me against.

Down doesn’t mean bad,

It means I’ve found solid earth,

A path to lead me to safety.

I’ve got people following that path beside me, I’m not alone.


That naïve little girl who played alone in her head would fear me,

Would turn from me because I can’t smile while chained to a cross of hate,

Would fear me because I walk with my head held high, knowledge around my shoulders.


The hounds of religion bay at my heels.

Can leave the church, but can’t leave it alone, they howl

I want to leave.

I want to leave it alone.

The hounds bite my siblings and poison our souls

They won’t leave us alone.

They hurt us to get the last word.


I envy that naïve little girl playing alone in her head.

She didn’t carry a weight in her chest,

Knowing her family would hate her for who she loved

And for what she thought.


I try to walk with steady feet.

I assure myself that I’m making the right choices,

That I’m walking away from the cult that hurt me and hurt me and hurt me

No, not walking.


I need to run

To spread my rainbow wings and soar.


I like to think that carefree little girl playing alone in her head wouldn’t hate me.

Maybe deep down I always knew I didn’t belong on that iron cross of hate,

Maybe I’d love this proud rainbow version of me I carry in my heavy heart.


I hope to love and laugh with another in my bed,

Not a worry in sight.

A hopeful future I long for,

With my chainless body able to love and think for itself.

Not alone.

Not lonely.


Maybe that carefree little girl would love every version of me,

Step down from that iron cross of hate and take me by the hand,

Lead me down that path of solid earth,

Be my rainbow winged angel to light the way,

Allow me to love and not fear the hounds of trauma at my heels.


I envy that carefree little girl,

She was alone with her head, but she didn’t know the darker parts of life.


I’m glad I’m not that carefree little girl,

She wasn’t crying in her head, but she didn’t know the brightest and most colorful parts of life.


I hope to love and laugh with another in my bed,

A hopeful future in sight where I can love the carefree, lonely girl,

The sad, lonely me of now,

And the bright me of tomorrow who has love.


I step down from that cross of hate and spread my wings,

I can’t change the past, but my rainbow soul can write the future.

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