I called you friend.

Played XBox and swam in crystal blue pools, we laughed as we splashed

We beat summer time heat with movies and card games and cheese quesadillas.

I told you about the loneliness I felt

How when I looked in the mirror, I wanted to hurl

How I wished I could meet my dream girl

Move to the middle of the woods with her and grow old

You smiled and you listened.

But your smile wasn’t for my friendship, but the thought of me tied up naked on your bed as I cried for mercy.

You force yourself into me in every place possible

You taught me the word Sodomy

You held a knife to my neck and told me to beg

A lighter to my skin and a whip to my breasts

The camera flash blinding through tear drenched eyes

I screamed

but no one came to help me.

 

My dirty little secret, my guilt-ridden conscience

I hid under the blankets hiding from the world.

Welts tattooed into pale canvas skin

Muddy watercolor bruises like dead flowers

Bald spots polka dot my head of beautiful hair.

Soft green ink wash the only air I breathe

Eraser marks where my self love used to be

 

 

Broken and defeated,

Falling

Deeper

Deeper

Down

Into the emptiness

of depression

I let

myself

go.

 

The hospital

Drags

Me back

Bandaged up

Locked away for my safety

Take your meds, participate in group

It's not like these other kids give a shit

My story silenced, my identity censored

"Being a gay sexual assault survivor isn't appropriate to talk about in a Catholic institution"

So they let me go with a deeper sense of shame for myself and long list of prescription medications.

 

 

I don't like dressing up , I'm ashamed of my body

My breasts just a burden

My hips an open invitation

My ass just "too good to resist"

Because pretty lips are a great addition, except when they say no.

 

I can't function like a teenager because of my overwhelming triggers

Looking over my shoulder

 Scared his grin is following me

 He knows where I live

I can barely leave the house.

It will be years until I can enjoy intimacy

Nightmares and insomnia

Unrelenting flashbacks

I can't tell what's real

Pinch me

 God please tell me I'm dreaming

I'm screaming

What the fuck is happening?!

 

You cause me so much harm

My skin riddled with invisible scars

My heart brittle and cracked like kiln-scorched clay

And you get away without the slightest tear

 And

They say I'm just another he said she said looking for attention.