Ladies and gentlemen I present to you
One Adrian Malobolgia
He’s the son of the devil
He lives here, in queens, on the roof of 14172 85th road
That’s his permanent address, don’t bother him, he has a nice little hut there
With his own internet and electricity and roof and everything
Every few months he gets a check from the devil for sustenance such
The devil’s son Adrian goes to my school and he’s a very good student
He does his homework on time, procrastination isn’t in his vocabulary
He has a 4.0 GPA and I’m sure he’s going to Harvard
And to remind the audience
The Devil’s son is going to Harvard and you’re not.
When I met Adrian I asked him about his heritage
He said he was English
Which was his own allusion to the imperialistic terror that England wrought
He says he’s sort of American now
Sometimes I have coffee or lobster with the devil’s son, its ok, he pays no matter how much I fuss over the bill
I really don’t know why I fuss, I have no money
“Adrian”, I says, “Adrian, why is your skin so red all the time?”
Adrian says, “Well it’s because my father’s really attractive and hot”
I says, “that makes no sense you’re drunk”
He says, “You can’t even read”
I think I’ve had enough of the devil’s son so I leave
And take the F train home only to realize he takes the
Same damned train I do
“Alright you mother-elfin creeper, let’s race” I whisper
He hears me and sprints
We’re both sprinting now, real fast, like wow look at my legs, and I have three legs by the way
He has four so I don’t know why it matter
Ok fine so the devil’s son beats me and I lay there and grow two wings and say
“Alright you piece of crap, whoever gets to the top wins”
So he’s running up the damn walls
And in the meantime I’m trying to learn how to fly
He wins again, and I’m on the second floor
The devil’s son smirks and starts to make bowl ramen and by the time I get there, the new political party representing Japan’s socioeconomic middle class is laughing about the turns in modern culture shocks and white-centric feminism.
I hate Adrian Malobolgia.
I still really hate Adrian Malobolgia.
Today he dragged me into purgatory which was such crap
There is nothing interesting there
Ok I lied, purgatory is an overlapping realm on this realm where I can see you but you can’t see me
Adrian probably goes in here to look at nude guys, what a creeper I hate him
He told me that his father controlled most of the realm
I called him out on his bull
So he takes out his stupid phone and calls up
“Yo daddaaaay, daddaaay, break down dis here bridge for me and I’ll give you a massage”
I realize that Adrian has no mother and his father created him from the depths of hell
EW
The bridge we’re walking on explodes and I flap around in mid-air trying to take hold
He’s just standing there like “LOL you stupid bird, this is my realm too, I can do whatever I want”
Oh my god, I hate that prick
“Alright you law-defying heathen, tell me, what are we doing in here?”
He says, I’ll tell you what he says, he says, “look here you piece of crap, we’re gonna race again!”
D’awww shieeee this kid
Alright fine, my wings are better now, not losing so many feather, I got these reins
Down pack tight!
He sprints, I soar, he dashes, I fly, he jumps, and well I’m still in the air
The devil ain’t got nothing on me I think to myself
Oh my god I was wrong, so wrong
He did this thing where he called his firkin daddy mid-race and reduced the quantum space in purgatory so that the entire time and space realm shifted downward so that I would be flying a much longer path then he was running.
The devil’s son won again and this time he was sharing sushi with our favorite movie star Asa Akira and they were laughing about those white centric feminists.
I hate Adrian Malobolgia.
Yesterday was like the worst day ever
Yesterday I lost again to the devil’s son
Yesterday we had another race
Yesterday, I said yes
And he insulted my mother
I
I don’t know why I keep like even saying yes to those damned races
Its
Is it nature? Is this how its supposed to be?
Remember when I told you about my wings?
That’s because I’m an angel. I have wings because
I’m an angel
Adrian’s skin is red because he is the devil
And if you haven’t got it by now
I represent good
And he represents bad
But do you see?
I keep losing
I keep losing
Why the hell do I keep losing, is this how it’s supposed to be?
What the hell is this? What the heaven is this!?
I AM THE ESSENCE OF GOOD
GOOD PEOPLE SHOULD WIN
I SHOULD WIN
I SHOULD WIN MAN