I remember the first time you did it The first time you made me feel like my body was no longer my own I remember the first, second, and third time you made me bleed or when I would hold back tears so you wouldn't call me weak and then you would beg me Beg me to fall to my knees  Beg me to tell you that I had always loved you   I said it so much that I began to agree I began to believe I loved you I wonder if that was your plan all along To make me think I loved you just in case you could get away with it Yet I still wonder if maybe it was true if my empty words were as full as the tears you would create in my eyes   I still wonder this after I ran out  of these tears when I became numb to you or when you told me I wasn't as "hot" as the girls you would see in porn or as hot as I could be if I didn't eat As if I already didn't know or needed to hear you say it again   But I'm still not over what you did and I don't know if I will ever be I can't sleep in my bed without feeling your hands crawl over my skin I can't drive without checking  to see if you're behind me again I can't see my self without the bruises you would leave on my frail body I can't stop thinking about why I didn't see what you had done sooner   I wonder what I would've done if I could see through you earlier or if you ever realized how much  you hurt me and tore me down Maybe I will never know what your plan was or if you had one or even how I really felt about you but I do know that you changed me yet you have not ruined or wilted me and soon you will see that I'm not done I have not finished my fight