Back then, first gen,

It was a lot easier when

Mom and dad used to love each other since then

Fights happen, physical actions

Again and again

 

Still together, broken than ever

Because we don’t have any money,

 

"sigh man..."

 

Examples, examples, relationship goals

Finding each other like shards instead of wholes

 

Revolving around another

Not embracing souls

 

Taking pictures of one another to post on instagram,

“Ignore the trolls”.

 

We strolls, holding hands

 

Feeling full but got the holes

in ourselves

 

Feeling we need to a someone to fill it

can’t fill it

 

Choking again cause i’m thinking

aching

 

Thinking why nobody loves me,

Saying,

 

“why do I feel this way?”

empty.

 

crying, cause he got tired of me.

like mommy and daddy.

 

never wanted me.

 

boom. an accident,

I was

 

Tired. And tired. And tired.

 

Unhealthy of the pain that rang inside my head

 

Cause I was so fucking sick and tired of this game

That the people in my life play

 

Pulling me around like I didn’t have a say

Never asked for a life that could treat me this way

 

Mom treating me like she could be anywhere else, weighed

 

down

 

Dad left 3 times, he don’t stay.

 

“Wow”.

 

Friends don’t care, they pray

for the rich and popular highway

 

One day,

I stared at the water in the tub,

 

I say,

“i’ll feel better than i do today”.

...

Stay a loner, no one can hurt you that way

 

Just move on, hold it in

Don’t think about it, build thick skin for

 

Myself.

Himself.

Herself.

Themself.

Yourself.

 

goes on

 

And sometimes we’re drawn

To others who say they love us

 

And fawn

Over those who lie to us

 

Until then, we are at that one moment where

Those people are gone.

 

Sickening.

I cough at that pain.

I been driving fevers, sore throats on anger & hate 

 

But where my medicine at?

It’s the love that was never given, never swallowed

 

Cause people be spitting

Not even realizing how easy they got it by appreciating.

 

They so worried about the paper,

The getting not giving.

 

When will my revelation begin?

To unravel, that you don’t need people to feel happy for yourself  

 

Then it slapped me across the face that the reliance on others to love you in health

Is not through wealth.  

Not through appearance.

And not through labels.

 

But through the forms of love.

We call actions.

Ideas.

 

Support.

Honesty.

Caringness.

Trust.

Empathy.

Respect.

Genourisity.

 

The romanticization of relationships are enough

It feeds the illness of high expectations and disappointments.

To not even treasure small moments

 

of love.

 

So what does a healthy relationship mean to me?

 

To support,

To tell the truth to,

To trust,

To care for,

To feel for,

To have respect for,

Most of all, to give for.

 

I still and will do all these things for people who have hurted me.

For that, it is true.

 

Why?

 

“Because I love you.”

 

I realize...

 

I no longer want to be a victim to myself

I no longer want to play a victim.

 

Till this day, I am still healing

But I’m holding on

 

To the thought that love isn’t in chocolates, money, or roses

It’s not pictures on social media

 

It’s the small doses

 

of the forms of love.

 

I hope to cling on this belief till my very last breath

And I dare life to try to kill me again

 

Till death,

 

Although I am gone, I

Understand that sometimes it is not my fault, I

Will continue to carry the medicine, I

Will not allow myself to fall, I

Will love myself & others despite it all, and that

 

My soul will rest in peace.

 

fin

 

A note,

To begin, I do not really have a “positive” opinion of love and what it should mean to me. Whether romantic, strictly platonic, or familial, I live a life where relationships can be extremely strenuous and filled with problems.

 

I’ve been outcasted by family, betrayed by friends, and broke up with a lot of partners.

Perhaps this broken naivety could be explained by how open I was and willing I was to go through great lengths for them.

 

Sometimes, no matter who the person, I could not expect others to change for me. Whether it was for the greater good for the relationship, or perhaps themselves.

 

Even I realize that I could not change for others.

 

Because of this, I have found myself to be extremely distant, where I do not want to share a piece of me with anyone. It’s just too much.

In the end, you’re still broken. Cold. Empty.

 

No matter the state I was in, I allowed myself to never give someone the satisfaction of ruin they caused. Especially the ruin I caused myself.

Honestly, I thought it was that type of arrogant confidence I had which allowed me to see through my depression and victimization. I did not want this.

I want to be happy, and to keep being happy.

 

I began to learn that prosperity and self-value is what gives one true security in life. I think it is a tad much to expect others to truly care and love you, when you could fathom all of that for yourself. I do not want to think that it is pessimistic to say, but more in a sense where I now expect A LOT from myself, rather than from others.

 

That is not to state that love is truly beautiful. Heavens, no. It is something that is extremely genuine & gives you happiness. It is very healing to one’s mental and spiritual energy. Love comes in so many forms of goodness, it is pretty difficult to explain in detail what a “healthy relationship” truly means for a person like me. This sort of endearment comes in respect, support, open-mindedness, generosity, understanding, compassion, etc. It is a beauty that can be found within anybody, but mostly yourself to begin with. I think that is what feeds the strength and “health” of a bond between two people, regardless of what relationship they’re in.

 

By reflecting my experiences, I’ve taken upon myself to realize that life is ever-changing, not unkind. We cannot tell if relationships are going to treat us badly from the beginning because people often fool themselves so well, they fool us. I’ve taken the time for myself to heal from such traumatic experiences, and encourage others to move on this message. We do not deserve to be treated unkindly, and we can not allow ourselves to dwell in it. We deserve to be happy, and be happy with ourselves, even if it is with other people. Share the gifts of love, and the many forms of it. That is the health we CAN allow ourselves to swim in, and have it run its course through the very veins of our lives.

 

Thank you so much for reading,

 

Gina Manisap