a psalm of rebellion
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when i was eleven
i described something as being “so gay”
and my mother told me never
to use gay
as an insult
because i had two godfathers
and they were in love with each other
and they didn’t need their goddaughter critising
their lives
just because her peers all did it
when i was twelve
i read every book in the school’s library
and the teachers praised me
until they realised
that i never took an accelerated reader test
on anything i read
because one of the books i read that year
said that grades weren’t good measurements
of intelligence or anything else
and i figured
that accelerated reader points
didn’t need to matter either
when i was thirteen
i discovered that two men
could be intimate together
and i began writing and reading stories
where they were
and my parents didn’t know
until one day
they walked in on me watching a video
of two men
and my father got angry
and told me
what i was doing was inappropriate and
needed to stop
but the next day i got back on
and i searched up more yaoi
because it made sense to me when i was thirteen
when i was fourteen
i realised that i was not straight
and i was scared to tell anyone
because i had heard
from the yaoi artists i followed online
that being not straight was
dangerous
and that i could get hurt
for wanting to kiss another girl
when i was fifteen
i actually kissed a girl
and because i considered myself a rebel
i did it in a church
and i did it again and again and again
i realised i could never be accepted
by my own father
and eventually that girl
decided she didn’t want to kiss me
anymore
and so i went back to writing
about boys kissing boys
and reading
without taking any tests
and i learned to be alone in my rebellion
when i was sixteen
i was asked whether i would date a black guy or not
and to the silent room i responded
i would not kiss any boy
regardless of colour
and though i was too shy to answer
when asked if that meant i was gay
that one action
prompted a series of coming out ceremonies
and i became confident
in my sexuality
and my friends rallied with me
and i rallied with them when they came out
when i was seventeen
i heard about a girl in a boy's body
who just wanted a dress
but instead got to walk
out across a highway and be cut off by a bus
and i mourned her
despite never knowing her in person
because something about her story hit me deep inside
because i started to wonder
am i really a girl
or is there something about my biology
that just doesn't match up with who i am
now i am eighteen
on my way to becoming an adult
i have learned through reading
that if i were a black woman i would have to say
“don’t shoot” and
put my hands up
only to get shot anyway for talking back
i have learned through reading
that gay people are still prosecuted
by those who are heterosexual
and even though they say they want equality
when they all come out together
donning rainbow capes
they beat down
and berate
those whose capes do not contain
all the colours
because bisexuals and asexuals and pansexuals
just aren’t gay enough
one day i will be nineteen
and i hope by then i will be strong enough
to kiss girls
and love all genders
because they are all attractive
and i will be strong enough
to call myself a man
because i don’t think
that my biology matches up with my mind
and even though
people say i cannot be anything other than female
i will not care
because i will be nineteen
and i will be better than a label