This Poem is Not A Suicide Note
A/N: I was thinking about what I think makes me flawless, and I think it's my intense survival instinct. So here's a poem about that.
I spend my life in a constant state of drowning
of kicking
of screaming
it did not begin
in the bathtub
but it may end there
whenever I turn on the faucet
I feel the urge to finish it
to let the water run until it floods the bathroom
leaving me shriveled underneath its power,
body pruny
body lifeless
I was born
to be the girl who stops the water
who stays solid
under the pressure
but my lungs
are filling up
up
up
and my heart
is slowing down
down
down
I feel myself sinking
but the harder I try to get up,
the more it hurts when I fall back down again
people keep insisting that there’s a statute of limitations to my suffering
and I find myself believing them
but every time I reach the surface the water gets deeper
and every time I think I’ve escaped her
or him
they find a way to pull me back in again
I spend my life
cleaning up the messes that others have left me with
from alcoholism to pedophilia to addiction to eviction
I’m clawing to the surface of the ocean I've grown accustomed to living in
and I don’t know
how much more
I can
take
but this poem
is
not
a suicide note
because I
am the girl
who stops the water
I am the girl who kicks
who screams
who lets every gasped breath of fresh air sustain her for days
weeks
months
a lifetime
because here
I have hope
but the other place is oblivion
here
I have huffs
and puffs
and the small breaths I force in every now and again
and there
I have nothing
I am the girl who won’t stop screaming
who will fight to get up every morning
when every muscle in her body is begging her not to
It's my job to be
the calm woman in a storm
because when my friends are weak
they depend on me to be strong
it’s my job
to stop the water
it’s my job
to keep breathing
it’s my job
to be the broken thing that keeps functioning
I
am the cracked iPhone screen you can type on
the dingy laptop you’ve never brought to tech support
the car from the 60s that just
keeps
on
trucking
I
am the girl who stops the water
I
am the girl who burns as bright as the sun
my skin
is fire
I will cause evaporation
burn
until there’s nothing left to drown in
and the air
will be humid
and the water
will stick to my skin
and someday
the vapor will condense
and it will rain again
but I
am the girl who stops the water
and it is my job
to do more
than stay afloat