This Poem is Not A Suicide Note

A/N: I was thinking about what I think makes me flawless, and I think it's my intense survival instinct. So here's a poem about that.


I spend my life in a constant state of drowning

of kicking

of screaming


it did not begin

in the bathtub

but it may end there


whenever I turn on the faucet

I feel the urge to finish it

to let the water run until it floods the bathroom

leaving me shriveled underneath its power,

body pruny

body lifeless


I was born

to be the girl who stops the water

who stays solid

under the pressure


but my lungs

are filling up




and my heart

is slowing down




I feel myself sinking

but the harder I try to get up,

the more it hurts when I fall back down again


people keep insisting that there’s a statute of limitations to my suffering

and I find myself believing them


but every time I reach the surface the water gets deeper

and every time I think I’ve escaped her

or him

they find a way to pull me back in again


I spend my life

cleaning up the messes that others have left me with

from alcoholism to pedophilia to addiction to eviction

I’m clawing to the surface of the ocean I've grown accustomed to living in


and I don’t know

how much more

I can



but this poem



a suicide note


because I

am the girl

who stops the water


I am the girl who kicks

who screams

who lets every gasped breath of fresh air sustain her for days



a lifetime


because here

I have hope

but the other place is oblivion


I have huffs

and puffs

and the small breaths I force in every now and again


and there

I have nothing


I am the girl who won’t stop screaming

who will fight to get up every morning

when every muscle in her body is begging her not to


It's my job to be

the calm woman in a storm

because when my friends are weak

they depend on me to be strong


it’s my job

to stop the water

it’s my job

to keep breathing


it’s my job

to be the broken thing that keeps functioning



am the cracked iPhone screen you can type on

the dingy laptop you’ve never brought to tech support

the car from the 60s that just






am the girl who stops the water



am the girl who burns as bright as the sun


my skin

is fire


I will cause evaporation


until there’s nothing left to drown in


and the air

will be humid

and the water

will stick to my skin

and someday

the vapor will condense

and it will rain again


but I

am the girl who stops the water

and it is my job

to do more

than stay afloat



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