Hey Future.

Did you know that this would happen to me?

That this kind of emotional and physical hurt

would slowly crash down on me

On that day -

 

That day the ball came back to our side of the court.

I know I called it mine.

But I’ve been told my voice is soft and not aggressive

that they must’ve not heard and was not assured that I could get it

It was a mistake on all our parts so no one is to blame,

but no one would’ve seen that an injury was to come from our mistakes.

 

Somebody got the ball,

however that person was not me.

I collided with someone

and fell down on the hard floor.

A sick pop could be heard from my foot, but I still tried to get up.

The moment I tried to stand an indescribable pain tore through my body with a jolt.

The moment I tried to stand I knew I couldn’t.

Just remembering it now still brings it back like I’m feeling it

over and over and over again.

I remember trying to hold back the tears

trying to wave away the pain.

As if waving it away and saying

“I’m fine,

I’m fine,

I’m fine,” would make it disappear.

 

It hurt so much it felt like I was feeding my foot to the flames

and purposely burning it to ashes.

But I could only hold in my tears by telling them those two words

I don’t know if I was only saying that to convince them

or to convince me.

 

I remember the game continuing

My own team members telling me to get back up and

someone telling me the game isn’t over

My pain was so visible to the audience,

yet it took a few minutes

maybe even longer

for the officials and my team members to take a hint.

 

Thinking about it now,

it felt like I had suddenly turned invisible to the people who had the most authority over me

and to the people who I had trusted to care for me.

Like my pain was just a ghost only I could see

It was right in front of me I swear,

yet  everybody else simply passed it by

It’s saddening to remember that kind of emotional pain,

but at that time there was no space left in my brain for anything except my physical injury.

My little bubble of invisibility had popped as I heard the referees whistle and soon hands were on me,

telling me that everything will be ok.

 

I would’ve felt ok if somebody had seen my tears sooner

If somebody had heard my yelp

If sombody had seen my fall to the floor

If someone had just looked.

 

It doesn’t make sense how someone’s physical pain could be so invisible to people

when it showed so clearly on my face

I made the signs printed in red and bold,

I was sure they would see it

but like a bad driver they only ignored them

 

So I covered those signs in words

saying I’m fine, I’m ok

lying straight to their face

and their faces were open like a book in bold print

They couldn’t see a single thing

They couldn’t see the conflict in my brain

They couldn’t see the twitches on the corners of my smile

 

I felt deja vu.

I know this feeling of emotional and physical hurt

I’ve felt it before with different people

And I’m feeling it again with different people

I know this feeling wasn’t caused by the sport

The sport is innocent

The people-

The people are guilty  

It happened before with another injury

Another story of physical pain and along with it emotional hurt

 

It happened with my old team members

My invisibility not even being acknowledged by me

until time passed on

I remember their faces not so bold with emotion like the ones I have seen recently

Their emotions were so subtle, I couldn’t see it even if I flashed a light on it

 

I remember my presence slowly becoming invisible to the team

that I had to remind them I was part of it

Reminding them I’m still here

I’m still here

I’m still here

Part of this family,

yet their familiar faces exposed their unfamiliarity

Like I had become a ghost

A part of the past

But I think my voice was still too soft

My voice still could not be heard

I thought this family was mine

But it was not mine to have

 

Even when I left the school I thought I was still family,

I guess once you leave you become a forgotten story

taking the memories you had with you

thinking that they’re looking at them too

but they’re not

because you’re the only one who’s holding onto them-

Their faces

Their voices

Their “I’ll never forget yous”

 

I thought I felt loved

I thought I belonged

I still think I am loved

I still think I belong

But where in this puzzle of  life does my piece fit in?

 

Hey Future.

Is this really how my life was supposed to turn out?

I remember my life being full of smiles and trustworthy people

I remember my life being bright and warm

I remember having somebody to see how conflicted I was inside and out

I remember having somebody to hold me and tell me things will be ok

I didn't think those things in one year could be stripped away

 

But tell me

When did I learn to hide my tears

until I know I’m truly alone to cry

When did I teach my brain to say I’m fine

when I’m not

Why do I feel the need to hide my emotions from people

who need to know

 

Hey Future.

My pillow is constantly stained with tears

- why?

Hey Future.

My brain is telling you I’ll be fine in my future endeavors when I know I’ll probably not

- why?

Hey Future.

My relationships seem fake because of my shut-in emotions

- why?

Hey Future.

When did you find out it would all go wrong?

Hey Future.

At least give me something to keep holding on

 

Hey Future.

I would think that you were listening-

-I'm asking you questions I know will never be answered and

I don’t know what will happen next

I’m only here to face whatever you give me

I’m more cautious, yet still naive

Still loving

Still trusting

Still carrying my heart on my sleeve

 

But I think I’m strong because I’m still here

Alive

 

So Future,

I hope you know where you’re bringing me.