Note to Self.

Advice I would give to the girl I was before:


1. when the kids tease you for having big bushy eyebrows

do not pluck them

do not shave the unibrow that’s barely even there

those girls now draw in theirs  

those boys wish they grew hair on their face as fast as yours does

your eyebrows will get better.


2. when the kids in school tease you for your name

do not shorten it

do not assimilate to a culture that took yours to begin with

your name tells a story of who you are

in Spanish it means “consolation”

taken from the title of the Virgin Mary, Nuestra Señora de Consuelo

"Our Lady of Consolation"

La Morena, dark like you are

you are your grandmother’s legacy


3. when you fall in love with the first boy to show you kindness,

do not cry when he dates your best friend

do not shut off your heart after one heart break

you will fall in love over and over and over again

each one a new story,

you are a writer

Taylor Swift in spirit animal

tell boys not to fall in love with YOU because you’ll make them your muse

tell them to consume you at their own risk

because you will write about them so good they won’t even know where to hurt

each time you fall in love it’s like riding a bike for the first time

your knees will have scars and bruises

telling the stories of each time you fell for someone new


4. when you stand in front of a mirror and over analyze every inch of your body,

do not curse the stretch marks on your stomach

do not pinch at the excess skin

do not scowl at the cellulite on your thighs

hug yourself

you will grow into all of this

it isn’t perfect but you love your body now

you’ve started wearing dresses

cute ones, I may add, and shorts

you use your thighs to bring your hands warmth during the cold

and use them to hug a boy’s hips


5. when your start to become antisocial and get social anxiety

hug yourself

take a deep breath

do not fear others eyes on you

do not resist opening up to others

soon you will be standing on a stage

your lips spilling truth and hurt

you will be an open book

broken spine, ripped pages and all but someone will want to pick you up and read you

soon, you will the one in charge

not your depression

soon, you won’t be scared


6. when the boy on the bus locks eyes with you for the first time,

resist asking for his name and number later on that day

do not try to decipher something in his messages that isn’t even there

you are not the CIA

and his texts are not poetry for you analyze


7. when you fall in love with this boy

do not tell him


7. when you tell him you love him and he tells you he can’t be with you because he’s not ready for a girlfriend,

walk away


7. when he soon after gets a girlfriend,

do not waste tears, or ink, or paper on this boy

stop being stubborn, listen to your friends and walk away


7. when you do begin to write about him,

do not let him read it

there will be others who appreciate your words more than he will later on


7. when you show him your writing,

do not be embarrassed

you are a writer

you confess your love as many times as possible

it is what you do

do not stop writing because of this boy

if he couldn’t understand the metaphors in your writing

he wouldn’t have understood you anyways


8. when your friends have boyfriends and already have had their first kiss

do not hate yourself

do not ask what is wrong with you

do not write poems about being forever alone

do not crave the simplicity of holding someone’s hand

someone holds you differently now and you love solitude

your lover will be a pen and paper

and spoiler alert:

your first kiss will come and it will be nothing like you expected

it won’t be with your boyfriend or a boy you love

but special all in the same

you will be the first one to lean in

after all you love to take charge now

you hold a confidence you’ve never held before


9. when your long time friend hits you up to hang out

do not turn him down

it may be the last time you see him


9. when you go to his funeral

it’s okay if you don’t want to go see him

it’s okay if the only memory you want to have left of him is of his lively pink cheeks and a mouth that still smiles

hug yourself

then hug your friends

tell them that you love them

it’s okay if you hold on a little tighter than usual

you are in the church you grew up in

grip onto your rosary and do not be afraid to let God in

even if it’s just that night

you haven’t been there in years

and it’s ironic how the one time you show up to church, it isn’t because mom forced you or for a quinceanera

do not feel guilty when you realize you never said goodbye to him

you aren’t good at saying that to anyone

some people find it rude how you walk away without saying a word

that’s because it’s so much easier to say “hello” than letting go

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