Dear God (if you are even there)

The world is cruel

Most people realize this at a young age

Well at least I did

When I was young, everything seemed so big

The world was mine for the taking, right at my fingertips

I was free to run, jump, to dance in the sun!

The world was filled with fairytales

Dragons and princesses I had hope

A hope that one day I’d be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor.

But then, it all came crashing down.

Falling apart

Spiraling

Spiraling

Into the dark pits of hell where I realized.. There is no one there to save you.

A nine-year-old should not have to go through that

That invasive abuse

Words that feel like fists

phrases cutting into my mind like a knife

causing more damage than a bruise could ever bring.

I was trapped

Gasping for breath

Holding myself so tightly suffocatingly tight so I wouldn’t break into millions of pieces.

A nine-year-old, should not have to feel that.

The world is cruel.

Children get beaten, go hungry, go unloved

People get mugged, murdered, and raped

For the guilty go unpunished and the world needs proof!

Proof of my scars of the abuse given upon me.

But my abuser, older, kind to the public eyes.

Said it never happened

Said I’m crazy

Says these wounds are self-inflicted

Because a nine-year-old would throw themselves against a wall.

Because a child would give themselves a black eye

Bruises to hide at school

Forever wearing a long-sleeved shirt for the fear,

The threats given behind closed doors.

OH, The things that would happen if anyone ever found out.

I remember

I remember when I was trapped

How could I forget

The loneliness of isolation.

The hours spent trapped in the cold dark garage.

The crushing fear a child feels in the dark.

But I was more afraid of when that door would open and my true nightmare would step through it.

Family shouldn’t do that.

Fathers are supposed to treat their little girls with care.

Not scream such horrible things, throw objects at them or slam them around!

You see, most kids are afraid of the monster under their beds. Not the one sitting on the couch.

I hate it.

I hate society,

How the courts, how the public always turns a blind eye!

People are suffering and no one is doing anything about it!

I’m tired

So Tired

Of trying to get better only to be torn back down

Only to be thrown back into the deep dark waters of depression

Not telling never to speak up

Because it is not socially acceptable to answer that I am not okay!

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Yeah right.

Words can tear your walls down, make you feel bare, completely exposed

Scars of the body will heal scars of the heart destroy.

He screamed always screamed such horrible things.

I’m worthless

No one loves me

I’m ugly

No one cares

Stupid

I’m unloveable

I SHOULD JUST DISAPPEAR!

 

Slowly I began to believe him

I started to bend

To Break

To buckle so gracefully it almost seems good

But, it was not

 

 

My mother used to explain strength

She would say to be strong was to be like a house in an earthquake to never fall

Well sorry mom, but I fell

I fell so quickly so surely

It was like love at first sight

But instead of falling into love

I fell into despair

A despair so dark so deep it was suffocating

I couldn’t breathe couldn’t think except not about anything but the pain I was feeling deep in my core so close the hug with darkness seemed to taint my soul.

You see the thing about depression is that it's invasive

Like  parasite, it latches into your brain

Slowly and meticulously it eats away at your sanity

Until you can’t take it anymore.

Until you can’t stand the way people stare at the scars

Like its contagious something to catch

I could not handle ripping myself from the comfort of sleep,

Every morning only to experience the horrible realizations of reality

It's cruel

How children, teens, even adults feel that the only way to end this pain is through death

And that’s exactly what I did,

 

God, if you are there, I'm sorry. I know its a sin

to kill yourself.

but the burdens... the pain was too much to bear.

and sadly it’s one of those things that when you try to explain

it the words never quite match.

And that is the pain of living.

 Sincerely the unloved and depressed