I’ll never forget what you told me when I was in the hospital.
You said the next time I try to kill myself,
I need to make sure I go though with it.
That’s the moment I knew how much of an effect the flap of a butterfly
could have.

Mom,
I’ve always been the silent type
never expressing how I feel in this family.
Trying my best to fit inside your perfect cocoon,
closed in, too afraid look outside.
You’re the reason why I hate myself.

I don’t even know the last time you asked how I was doing.
You’re too busy searching through my love letters.
That day you found out about my girlfriend
you judged me so quickly.
without giving me enough time to morph,
into a young woman could be proud of.

You say that you want the best for me
wanting me to abandon baggy jeans and fitted wings.
Telling me how one I day I’ll grow into something beautiful
but for now I’m still in my larvae stages
So, you leave me in the car when we go places.

I just want to be seen
But I’ve been force to crawl under you.
Slipping into slouched positions
Sitting legs as open as I wish you would be to loving me.
I can tell I embarrass you.
We haven’t been to church in months
You say God is disappointed in me
I wonder how God looks at you.
My colorless appeal leaves me invisible to your eyes
It kills me to know, no matter how I try
You will never accept
I am not that delicate butterfly that you want to hold
still trapped inside my pupa waiting for a transformation.

I can’t shed this
You keep saying
you don’t know what happened to that little girl who you use to love.
Lilly pigtails, accented smiles, and Painted Lady sundresses
we’re never me.
I have been off your “right path” for years
Yet you keep turning on lights thinking I will fly into them burn
In the hell unblessed abominations are destined for
My wings are tattered because
the reckless nets of abandonment you attempted to seize me with

I try to stay calm and peaceable
But your I Love You’s
Sound the same as your you disgust me’s
I barely have any respect for you anymore.
my swollen heart no longer has room for you

Its too full of
the shame and hate you fed me
your threatening looks
How embarrassed you must feel
to see the moth you created
Which wont measure to the Monarch that should’ve floated
in your palm

Although I always wanted to fly
the weight of this world kept me landed
slowly crawling, finding my own path
because being grounded is better than flying with false dreams
Living without you
Leaning on my own safety
using my many my talented wings
to block the current of your negative energy

I’ve found that not everyone is like you.
The imperfections you can’t stand to see
others are amaze by because
Even if I never learn how flutter as graceful as you
There are people who embrace the preying mantis, the centipides,
and even your daughter
I will still then
love myself