when i see myself the way everyone else sees me

i am walking down the hallway

smiling at everyone who passes;

the small talk keeps me in their good graces.

i am confident, i am happy, i am kind,

because i have never been anything else.

when i see myself the way i think i am

alone, empty,

please mom just five more minutes;

see myself exhausted, see myself terrified,

see myself in a sea of faces that will

be successful and i am drowning,

being pulled under by waves 

of expectation that crash over me

relentlessly and i am barely staying afloat.

when i see myself the way i’m meant to

i am both what appears and what doesn’t,

two parts confident to every

one part can not will not,

failure written on my forehead

that stops me dead in my tracks.

equal parts energetic

and never wanting to wake up;

successful to the core,

but paralyzingly afraid of

going nowhere in life.

i have not yet found a way

to merge these together

so i can safely make it back to shore.