You are a disease

Infesting the corners of my mind

Rotting my perception of others

Lingering in the darkest places

 

You and I, we had the greatest times together

Our time spent together seen by all as a bright memory

Isn’t that way to me.

Try as I might the sun seems like a lie

And every time I think of you, the setting of my mental image is

Darkness

 

If God is a jealous God then he must still feel pain

From the times I was only able to focus on you

And what made you happy

Because some twisted part of me said;

If you were happy then so would I be.

 

I remember the nights when time stood still

When I sat up all night wondering if, maybe

Just maybe

You liked me as much as I liked you

Wondering if you would ever care for me

But I never gave up

So it’s too bad that you did.

 

See sometimes I wonder why I feel like it’s my fault

Like its my fault you decided to move to away

As if I was not good enough for you

But I am constantly reminding myself

That’s not true

 

Like confusing the symptom for the disease

I didn’t realize that you were slowly killing me

I thought maybe,

Just maybe

There was a cure

 

Now some people thought it was weird you being a few years older than me

And recently I’ve had time to reflect on the years of my life I wasted

Thinking maybe, just maybe

You would grow up a bit, and learn that the pain you felt

Was self inflicted

 

I was never a very emotional person

So when It rained it was just that, rain

But for you it seems that when it rained

God broke his promise to never again flood the earth

And that somehow it was my job to rebuild all of it

 

So now I sit and wonder if my memory of you will ever let me trust others

Because the issue is

When your strongest certainty changes inconsistently

You wonder if anyone is really there for you.

 

If you were really there for me other than the disease I’m now aware of,

You sure had a funny way of showing it

Tearing out my heart like a zombie

It seems like you took a sledgehammer to my temple

Climbing out of me like shedding a skin the part you left behind was hollow

 

Since then I’ve moved on

But you infection deepens, it seems infantly

And anyone I ever liked after you I couldn’t bring myself to

Because the me I can bring, is distrusting and broken

Trying to repair myself isn’t working, bandages can't hold me together

 

No one wants a tin man without a heart

A temple built in sand fallen down and still sinking in

A newly painted wall splattered with blood

Or a cynical person who can't completely trust anyone

 

I feel bad for the people who once liked me

Because at face value, it’s hard to see someone’s past

It’s hard to see the times when you wouldn’t respond to me

The times when you would come back for a short time

And I thought maybe just maybe I can see why you hated me

But you offered nothing in explanation just a few courteous smiles

 

As if after knowing you for literally half my life, I couldn’t see a smile that was a lie

As if after talking to you for literally hundreds of hours, I couldn't see a meaningless response

As if you didn’t feel the pain I felt remembering how things used to be

 

See you always told me that I know you maybe better than I ought to

And that’s because

Because I tend to remember things about people who I think matter

And even in seventy years, I will still remember your favorite color, flower and hobbies

Your fav show, movie, and oddities.

 

But the thing I will never truly forget, it that something's aren't meant to be

And that without you I wouldnt have never been able to see

That it takes ripping my heart out, pounding pain into my temples, and leaving me hollow

To make me learn how not to treat others

How not to cause a cycle of pain that can't be repaired

And how to build up antibodies to a disease everyone seems to have

 

So thank you

Thank you for being sucky

Thank you for leaving me

Thank you for ripping me apart

Thank you for stealing my heart

To teach me what can only be learned by experience

 

The things that I take away from this

Not just a split heart and a dark ending to a eight year experience

But wisdom to be careful

And build a wall too high for you to get into

But most importantly, I need to remember to take my mom’s advice more seriously

And maybe just maybe, if you took a dose of your own medicine you could cure yourself

But I’m not waiting around for you anymore, that step is taken, I’m closing that door

 

I can’t do this, not anymore.

I’m cured.