living as awful

Fri, 04/10/2015 - 18:07 -- sunbare

i had taken 50 tylenol, in intervals of five on april 2nd

april 2nd, because i felt that april 1st would be a day too cruel to get a call from your child's school

saying, "hey, your kid's in the nurse's office trying to end their life"

the years of my past were awful, the me in my past was doing awful, and i felt that i was destined for awful.

but how in the world can i thank the person i was in the past for taking enough tylenol to end your life in a matter of hours?

thanks for feeling like you've caused your family nothing but misery and that you'd rather be done being a burden upon them.

in the past two years you've probably only thought about killing yourself maybe three or four times compared to thinking about killing yourself three or four times every day,

thanks for swallowing too many pills at once.

it made a sickening feeling in your stomach that you remember everytime you think about taking that many pills again. it steers you away.

thanks for failing nearly all your classes in the eight grade.

because you look back on that now and realize how fucking awesome it is to have made it to high school and to be at the top of your class.

thanks for texting him at three am, that you'll always love him and that you'll love him forever because a year down the road he'll be messaging you about what an awful human being he was and you'll agree with him.

thanks wanting to die at your own hand because now you want to live as long as fate will allow.


i don't want to come back to see you and tell you that you don't need to feel as awful as you do because things are great now.


i want to come back and see you so you can know that while you're slowly destroying yourself you are quickly becoming the best person that you could ever be.


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