I wanted to hold him

I wanted to tell him it would be okay

I wanted to hug him and tell him "breathe"

I wanted to squeeze him and suffocate him until he remembered to breathe

And then I'd hug him a little harder to let him know "It's gonna be okay"

 

I wanted to hold his hand through the pain

I wanted to wrap his wounds in love and hope

And tell him it would all be over soon

I wanted to stand at his side and hold him up until he found his footing

And remembered how to stand

I wanted to help him

I wanted to heal him

I wanted to tell him that his anger would pass

And with it he would gain wisdom beyond his wildest imagination

Because after all he went through

He deserved it

 

I wanted to do what I couldn't do for myself or my mother

I wanted to inspire him to live

I wanted him to live another day

I want him to live

I want him to see tomorrow

To see the sunrise

To see the good in life

To see the good in himself

 

I want him to know he isn't alone

I want the lost to know they will be found

I want the world to find the lost

I once wrote of a forest the lost walk through

And that rather than burning the forest

We should send our dogs and our search parties

To find the lost for they may not find themselves.

 

I've felt this before

On the floor

Screaming to a higher being

Begging anyone who would listen

To save her

The cuts on her arms

Bleeding "I'M SORRY"

And as I stared at the photo

My phone didn't know it had shown

The blood had pooled on the floor of her bathroom

But my screams and my begging could not stop it

Could not staunch the blood

 

It was not a day later

That we sat together in your basement

Laughing at a video we would forget about in an hour

Both thinking in the back of our minds

"What are we doing?"

"Where did this go wrong?"

And the blood had faded

But we all knew it was my fault

Your parents sending those glares of death

But I do not blame them for it

I only blame myself

 

I want to hold you in my arms and tell you it will be alright

Because one year ago

I could not do the same for her

And now she is gone

A million miles between us

And while she's only a text away

I know it will never be the same

 

So while she has the scars

And my mother has her death

While I still have my memories

And you still have your anger

Let's hold hands and grip tighter

Because in our loneliness,

We are not alone

For it seems we have all been hurt

And we are all hurting

Even if we cannot see the scars.