A Letter To My First Love

Dear Nik,


Do you remember me?

Do you recognize me?


Sometimes I wonder

If you still think about me

The way that I

Still think about you


Do you remember

How we first met

The first friendship

To start a whole group


It was just the two of us

At first

Then we brought them in

To make seven


We were so young

And so fragile too

I had never felt

A friendship so true


Having already lost

Far too much

I didn't want to lose

That precious gift


Then you threatened

That precious gift

When you decided

To confess to me


I had already known

Since the very start

The way that you

Felt about me


I kept it hidden

Pretended to be

Undoubtedly oblivious

For both our sakes


When the walls

Came crashing down

I shoved my love

For you away


The rejection I

Bestowed on you

Was out of fear

For the loss of what we already had


As painful as it was

It worked


Our friendship

Stayed alive


You found

Someone new

To love


And the fire

That burned

Within me







Nonetheless I

Refused to

Let it out


And eventually

You lost her

And all was well


Meanwhile life

Decided to catch up

With us all


And our favorite

People left us

One by one


When it came

Down to four

I thought the

Purge was over


But it wasn't


You lied


You lied to us all


You lied to me


You thought you

Were protecting yourself


You thought you

Did the right thing


You thought you

Could get away with it


You thought you

Wouldn't pay the price


You thought you

Could keep hiding the truth


You thought they

Would trust you


You thought I

Would trust you


And for

All the


Lost ones

You fucking joined the list

They all left and you were shunned

And god damn it I wanted you to stay!


I wanted you to stay.




Don’t leave.


Is what I wanted to say.


But it was you

Or them

And I chose wisely.


I haven’t heard from you since then

It has been a long time

And I have missed you many times


I hope you found yourself

I hope you’re happy in your own skin

I hope you’re surrounded by love and support


I hope you know that I forgive you


Sometimes I wonder if

You would still be with me

If I told you the truth


If I told you how I loved you


Maybe then things would be different

Maybe then you wouldn’t have lied

Maybe then I would still know you

Maybe then I wouldn’t be lonely


You were my best and closest friend

And I loved you

In a way that I had never loved anyone before

Thank you, for being my friend.

I will never forget you.





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