The Kind of Life He's Got
He’s got the kind of name that sounds good no matter what you pair it with
He’s got the kind of fingertips that are maybe a little too soft
He’s got the kind of dreams that don’t stretch much farther than those fingertips
He’s got the kind of attitude about life that makes you want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him
Makes you want to scatter ashes of whatever hopes you ever had over him
As if that might wake him up
As if your dreams were ever enough to bring anything to life
They weren’t, in case you were wondering
They’ll never be enough to change this kind of attitude in him
He’s got the kind of animals in his head that haunt him and pretend to inspire him
He feeds them
Stale bread
They’re all kinds of geese
But mostly just the ones worth ignoring
He’s got the kind of hoodie that lets you know how he feels about his life
It’s grey
It smells like cigarette smoke
There’s a burn in the pocket
Burrowing your face into it feels warm and safe
Like a home you were never supposed to call home
He’s got the kind of facial hair that lets you know how he feels about his life
It’s patchy and blonde
He doesn’t shave for special occasions
It’s the kind of facial hair his friends make fun of him for having
He’s got the kind of friends who grow great mustaches
They are sexual and drink a lot of beer
He is less like them than he likes to believe
He also drinks a lot of beer
He’s got the kind of past that makes you feel sick and sad all at once
He’s got the kind of car you worry about
It’s gold
He says it’s tan
One of the headlights is really bad
It smells like cigarette smoke
The floors of it are lined with extra-large plastic cups from Sheetz (which were undoubtedly at one point filled with fountain Mountain Dew) and Little Cesar’s pizza boxes (which were undoubtedly at one point filled with pepperoni pizzas)
He’s got the kind of jokes that make you feel like a terrible person for laughing at them
But you laugh anyways
You can’t help it
You laugh before you realize you’re laughing
He’s got the kind of feet that smell worse than most feet
They haven’t covered much of this earth
They probably won’t
This doesn’t seem to bother him much
He keeps them in brown leather shoes that have seen better days
He’s got the kind of eyes you like to have on you
They go soft at the edges when he’s got something on his mind
They are light brown
Lighter brown than his shoes
The right iris has a dark spot on it
When I pointed this out to him, he said it was because of his cancer
I laughed at that before I realized I was laughing
He doesn’t have cancer
He jokes about having cancer and diabetes
It’s funnier than it sounds
He’s got the kind of voice that changes depending whom he’s talking to or what he’s talking about
He uses his normal voice when he talks to me
I say it’s his normal voice because it’s the voice I’m most used to
He has a deeper voice for when he’s talking to his guy friends
He has a higher, friendlier voice for when he’s talking to strangers
His voice gets quieter when he talks about his father
On the day he left
His voice was serious
He never spoke to me like this
It was a terrifying sound
His past was his excuse
His fingertips clenched themselves around laundry baskets filled with his things
His eyes and mine locked as he stood in my living room
And it was then that I told him
“I hate you”
It was the angriest and saddest I’d ever been
I didn’t mean it
His car disappeared in the haze of Harmony Road
The animals in his head took flight into the November twilight
His name was a ball in my throat
His dreams no longer involved me
He’s got the kind of presence you miss having around
Even two months after he’s gone
You can’t always really explain why
He’s got the kind of absence that makes you want to scream and hit walls
He’s got the kind of image that’s full of irony and metaphors
It’s dirty
It’s an image you shouldn’t want to paint so many pictures of
But you do
Because even after two months
His image
Is engraved onto your palms
Surrounds you
Fills you with feelings you shouldn’t have
He’s got the kind of life that never should have involved me
Even though
I don’t really believe that
To be true
At all.