Joining My Skin Again

I remember telling myself that I lost. I quit eating. I quit caring. I left college December 7,2015. 

I told myself that I would go back soon.

I needed to heal. I have flashbacks and random feelings of sadness. I knew it would never be over.

January came. February. March I started to talk about the assault. I put together funds to showcase a dance in the summer.

April I overdoced on pain meds. I wasn't in physical pain. My pride and ego was shattered. I tried.
I woke up and realized it was may. This year was supposed to be me healing. I was falling so hard. I was crashing into this weird oubliette of sadness, Tear and being physically drain as a dancer trying to dance out his problems. Trying to tell my family and friends what happened.

May came. I met myself halfway. I started to rest and actually heal. I knew I would be starting college again. I knew that man from the bar that knew I was only sixteen in college working as a gogo dancer in the city to make extra cash was behind bars for the sins that I "provoked" him to do. I know rape and assault is not my fault. 

June I put on the biggest showcase with the smallest budget. I invited rape and assault survivors to speak, dance and watch a performance of acceptance. I showed them my physical scars while relfecting on my mental scars.

July I stopped looking over my shoulder. August, I started hanging out with friends. 
September I turned 18. October I auditioned for my dream college. November I recieved my acceptance letter. 

Decemeber I completed my therapy sessions. I am in control of my body. Not Max, the 42 year old man with two daughters. Not Max who was an amazing bartender. Not Max the guy who didn't recieve concent and left me bleeding in his bed. I have control Max. I have control of my body, mind and spirit. I leaved to never give my well being to another person. I've learned there will be no healing until you accept that you need to heal. I am going back to school. I am going to dance my life away. Max.... what about you? Are you healing?

I wish you well. I will always remember you. You've helped me. 

This poem is about: 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741