If Only


United States
19° 36' 19.0908" N, 155° 1' 28.4988" W

She stepped out of the car and quickly strutted her way to the

classroom, avoiding as much eye contact as possible; Then, during the second

that she looked up- the look that had to be made because she was tired of

holding her visual breath trying not to see people stare at her, whisper

about her, and even say things to her. The weight of stares and the silence

broke her resilience to keep her head down. She looked up and he was there,

towering with a great intensity.

The physical and social height of him made her die a little inside as

he glanced at her and looked away. She returned to walking with her head

down, feeling naked and broken. His shady gaze stayed locked into her

thoughts, burning her eyes like raw onions. That certain way he looked at her-

was the look of a stranger. Clusters of memories with him and of him

resurfaced again and again, out of the depths of the little box that she

keeps in the corner of her mind for safekeeping. They began to bob up into

the pathways of her current thoughts; ruining all directions and roads of

recent thinking.

A shift was made- caused by an emotional earthquake. A deep, gaping

fault that was patched up in her head and heart was indeed his fault. Nothing

could make him realize how he’d affected her over the times they were happy

and sad. The rollercoaster that they rode together was uneven and imbalanced-

a constant game of push and pull- A constant nothing. The rusty old roller car

teetered along the miserable track until there was a discontinuance of the

track. The track was gone. There was no fade or declination of the track;

unless there was… and she never noticed.

The sudden turn of his head after he saw her made her feel like a

poisonous leper. As his head turned she watched the muscle of his neck flex,

so bare and lonely. It was that neck that used to be her head’s home. But he

probably doesn’t recall that.

She stepped into the classroom and shut out all the noise from those

around her. She sat on her metal and knitted cotton chair and felt warmth-

but the warmth wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t as good as his warmth. All that

was left for her was cold. Once she’d felt the best, she knew she was

destined to never feel it again. If only he could believe her, if only he

could take a little time to talk again, if only he could realize what he does

to her. If only he pretended to care. If only he had said a word. If only.


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