I will not write you an apology or a eulogy or even a love poem
I will not write you a thank you note or a permission slip or ever an obituary.
I will apologize when I am sorry
And I am not sorry
I am sorry I waited as long as I did to leave you.
I am sorry I let you hurt me for as long as you did
But I am not sorry for leaving
For cutting you off like cancer
Perhaps you were a cancer
Growing and slowing my breath
Spreading and dreading my wrath
You see you only made me feel small because you were afraid of how big I could get.
Years of insults and berating and degrading as if trying to devalue the only thing of value you ever had.
Because you were so afraid
So terrified of where I’d go once I realized you were holding me back.
But I went home
Or at least my apartment where you aren’t around
And I’m not sure I have a home anymore
But this apartment is mine for now
I can sit on the bath tub floor
Let the hot water turn cold around my waist
The water droplets forming wrinkles at my fingertips
Let it trickle down to the floor.
I can eat a whole box of stale crackers
Or a pint of icecream by myself
I can drink a bottle of wine
Or drink a bottle of whatever is there
Til I forget the next day
Til I forget why I am sitting here
Til the tears dry
And I know you blame me
And I know you hate me
And I know you can never accept fault
But I will not write you an apology
Instead I will write you headlines
And poems about distrust
And every way you made me into the person I am today
And how none of it is good.
How perhaps you are the villain in my fairytale though you never read the first chapter.
Or the opening sentence for that matter
And I will write you story books of all the times you made me feel worthless
And all the times you told me I was worthless
And all the writing it took to feel whole again
Because sometimes writing is necessary
But I will not write you an apology!