I will not write you an apology or a eulogy or even a love poem

I will not write you a thank you note or a permission slip or ever an obituary.

I will apologize when I am sorry

And I am not sorry

I am sorry I waited as long as I did to leave you.

I am sorry I let you hurt me for as long as you did

But I am not sorry for leaving

For cutting you off like cancer

Perhaps you were a cancer

Growing and slowing my breath

Spreading and dreading my wrath

You see you only made me feel small because you were afraid of how big I could get.

Years of insults and berating and degrading as if trying to devalue the only thing of value you ever had.

Because you were so afraid

So terrified of where I’d go once I realized you were holding me back.

But I went home

Or at least my apartment where you aren’t around

And I’m not sure I have a home anymore

But this apartment is mine for now

I can sit on the bath tub floor

Let the hot water turn cold around my waist

The water droplets forming wrinkles at my fingertips

Let it trickle down to the floor.

I can eat a whole box of stale crackers

Or a pint of icecream by myself

I can drink a bottle of wine

Or drink a bottle of whatever is there

Til I forget the next day

Til I forget why I am sitting here

Til the tears dry

And I know you blame me

And I know you hate me

And I know you can never accept fault

For anything

But I will not write you an apology

Instead I will write you headlines

And horoscopes

And poems about distrust

And every way you made me into the person I am today

And how none of it is good.

How perhaps you are the villain in my fairytale though you never read the first chapter.

Or the opening sentence for that matter

And I will write you story books of all the times you made me feel worthless

And all the times you told me I was worthless

And all the writing it took to feel whole again

Because sometimes writing is necessary

But I will not write you an apology!