I Saw It First and Then You Second


I saw it first

and then you second.


I heard the words

I heard you speak them in anger and maybe even sadness

and I know you never meant them

but I also know that you wouldnt take them back

I cant say I blame you, I wouldn't have done the same.


I knew what I had gotten myself into

I knew this game with you, 

We played it unconsiously agaisnt our own will

We never wanted hate

We never wanted anger

But somehow they seemed to find us at the most inconvienent of times


I was too hard

too cold.

trying to protect myself from this cycle

but at the same time wanting to be closer to you

I fooled myself into thinking that I could have it both ways


You were too soft

too warm.

trying to protect yourself from the sadness that overwhelmed you

but at the same time causing your own self destruction


Its in my nature to want to care for you

I swear to God that I could see your pain before I saw you

I could feel it

in my bones and more importantly in my heart

I told myself that I could help you

this is why you were back

you needed me


but more importantly I needed you


I saw it

and then you second


Who knew that this friendship would end so viciously 

I knew

I knew that this wouldn't last

my words were nothing but static to you

your words were the same to me


You told me 

You told me a lie and in return I lied to you

Maybe it was out of anger

and maybe it was to protect myself


We had been through this before

but this time it had felt so final

How many times had we crossed paths?

How many times did we find ourselves

In the same spot we had always been

How many more times will it happen again? 

Maybe this was the last time

Maybe it isnt. 


I saw it

and then you second

I didnt stop myself

I didnt say no

I wanted your presense in my life again

even if it was short this time

It was worth it

to feel that special bond I didn't seem to have with anyone else but you

it wasnt romantic

nor was it just platonic

I wanted that feeling again

Even if it ended viciously

but they always do


In all honesty, I dont think I would be strong enough to tell you Goodbye if it wasnt fueled by anger


You know you love someone when you still hope that they find happiness 

even if you arent apart of it.

Even if they tried to hurt you.


I saw it first

and then you second

and sometimes I wish I hadn't.


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741