I Needed A Place But It Shouldn't Have Been Within You

I used to obsess about my books being perpendicular on the night stand; that was of course before you found your way into my life.

Before I met you, there was no yield sign in my head, the only thoughts that would form tidal waves and engulf my entire mind were about if I had swept the floors 5 times or 12 if it was Thursday, or if I had locked my windows 4 times, or tied my shoes 7 times, or if I turned in the assignment at exactly 8:47 AM

But when you were around you were like a half full moon, because you were the only thing that could calm down the tidal waves in my head, and instead of thinking about numbers and times and dates… I thought about how beautiful that little speck of dust looked on your nose in the picture I took.

Before you would come over I fluffed the pillows at least 26 times because it had to be perfect for you to mess them up, you always did like pillow fights.

And even though I locked the windows and doors every 48 minutes every night, I felt the safest when your arms were around mine and the heat of your body gently caressed my skin.

I have laid in the same spot on the left of my bed for the past 11 years, but when you were with me I gave you that spot because it didn’t matter where I laid if it was beside you.

And I think a bit of my extreme habits rubbed off on you too because we always made sure to talk before 8:07 every morning throughout the duration of our time together

And I always made sure to reach for your left hand first whenever I saw you, never the right.

You loved the way how when we talked about our futures I had everything planed out down to the last date, while you still had no idea what you want to do with your life. You jumped around from engineering to psychology and it didn’t make much sense to me then.

And I loved the way that after spending years counting down hours and minutes and seconds, I didn’t mind losing track of time when I was with you, in fact I hated it when you asked what time it was because all it meant was that you had to leave soon.

But things didn’t seem wrong when I was with you, I knew that because I didn’t feel a need to wash my face and hands twice when you left me I didn’t feel the need to scrub every corner of my body until I felt sanitized again I didn’t feel the need because I liked your touch, maybe a little bit too much.

And green eyes were just green eyes until I fell in love with yours

I fell in love with yours, I fell in love with you, I fell in love.

I’ve counted every time I’ve said I love you ever since October 8th

October 8th; the last time I saw you, I had no idea that when you got into your car and drove away that we would never get to be together again.

It took two to create what we had but I was the only one suffering the consequences

You said that you just didn’t know anymore, that you wanted me to be happy, that I deserved better but if I really deserved better then why didn’t you give me the better that you said you wanted for me?

You said you loved me but love doesn’t just give up and that’s how I know I’m in love with you because I still haven’t given up on you I still crave your presence and hope for you to give me a reason to sweep 5-12 times a day

I stopped cleaning

My room remained a mess for about a month after you left

I stopped turning in the assignments at 8:47 AM so my grades hit an all-time low

I left the windows and doors open

The walls became lucid, and more alive than I could’ve ever perceived them to be.

And instead of counting how many times I said I love you I started counting how many times I opened and closed the closet doors and opened and closed and open and closed and why I can’t stop looking for you in there?

I leave the closet door open

And invite the demons to come steal some sleep, and ask them to come fill in your presence

As I lay with them with no care

There are monsters in that closet

I lost count at the amount of times I look out the window

I look for your car

But it’s never in sight

Blinds open and close and open and close just like the closet doors

I would wash my bedsheets twice a month every month because I couldn’t stand the idea of germs piling up on top of my pillows until you left then the hardest thing I had to do was find the courage to somehow wash them once more

because OCD doesn't compete with you

it doesn't matter how obsessive or compulsive I am

you meant more to me than cleanliness, security, and fears

you'll always mean more to me.

And I think about nothing else besides who you’re with right now and she doesn’t clean for you because she doesn’t care if everything is perfect for you and when she holds you it won’t be because she feels safe with you and when she embraces you she’ll only do it slightly because she doesn’t care, she doesn’t care, she will never care like I do.

You were a half full moon because you were half full when I met you.

And when you told me you wanted to study psychology I didn’t know it was because you’re still looking for the answers to figure out your own life

And after making every moment with you perfect I never knew what it’s like to share that with someone and not feel anything at all

I never knew what it’s like to be held by someone and wish it was you the entire time

I never knew what it was like to look over to that window every time I think of you and hallucinate because all I see is spirits coming in and out instead of you.

So because I love you, but more because I love myself, I need to let this go. 

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