"Hey. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"What's wrong?"

I'm not quite sure how to answer that.

Do I believe something is wrong with me?

Depends on the day, time, and who's asking.

I tend to give a very simplistic answer to those I know will soon forget all they promised to do to help me.

I've come to realization that no one can.

What I'm dealing with is called life and yes I know I'm blessed compared to some.

According to those who look at my life it seems as though everything is completely fine.

Take a look from my point of view.

Feel pain and hurt and anaimosity.

Nevertheless, I'm careful to never over look the blessings.

There's just something about the feeling of lacking wholeness or maybe love.

I refuse to believe it's only because my mom died when I was the age of 13 but it's something more.

Deeper.

Heavier. 

Fragmented.

It's not only the fact that she's not here but it's the fact that my heart has yet to acknowledge it.

My mouth can state the passing of my mother but my heart can reject it.

My heart feeling as though a puzzle piece has been missing for years now but there's always hope of finding it.

My brain not even aware of her full existence almost like she never was my mother but a character from a Netflix series.

I'm searching for love and that extra care that my heart remembers but my brain has forgotten.

Hmm, but is that really what I should be looking for?

Is it really what I need?

I'm fighting a battle with in myself.

No one is winning....everyone is dying....including me.

But it gets better right?

That is what everyone tells me.

Well I think they are innocent people who lied just to make the tears stop but in the end it will be the reason why they won't ever stop.

The real question is why do I feel alone yet surrounded by people who love me and I know they do but it feels as though 

I make myself appear like I feel loved.

Whole.

Satisfied.

Blessed.

What I feel is pain, jealousy, terror, horror and regret.

You say I'll be alright and I say I agree but is it alright that I wake up in the middle of the night 

reliving my moms death and wondering who's next??

Oh, baby we'll get you help.

When!?

When I'm just about dead inside and the vacancy in me has created

a plastic surgery of a soul?

When my heart beat is really the only reason I'm alive and nothing else motivates me?

When my smiles are brighter than ever but have no real meaning or emotion behind them?

I should stop now.

You probably think I'm a brat or just another teenage girl with pitiful problems that no one can help.

"You asked what was wrong?

It depends....are you a psychoratrist or God himself?"

"Oh, niether."

"Well then, I'm fine! Never been better.

It's just small headache and maybe even stress from school but don't worry about me.

Everything is good.

I'm blessed."