How should you end it all?
Each time that my mind was finally ready to end it all,
I stood on the end of a bridge, ready to jump.
It always seemed like it would be quick and cheap.
The pain would end before I had a chance to even register it.
It is bold and dramatic—it makes a statement to the ones that have harmed you.
And as long as you don’t do it into oncoming traffic, you don’t risk anyone else’s life.
In truth, there are worse ways to die.
I’m not gonna tell you to “better” your life. That’s dumb.
You don’t want to hear that st.
People DO NOT understand what it feels like. They think they do.
A person only knows what it would feel like to THEM, no one else.
You don’t need someone to tell you that you are loved,
or that you have your whole life ahead of you.
Sometimes it feels like I’m being smothered by people.
Smothered in fake love.
And I can’t deal with it, I can’t breathe!
People only pretend to care now because they know…
They know we have stared death in the eye. And we didn’t run.
We stared back at death and said, “Ok.”
You don’t need to be smothered with love.
You need space.
You need to be left alone, to think. To breathe.
Be at one, with your thoughts.
That’s where my mind was, when I stood on the edge of that bridge.
At one, with myself.
In that moment of beauty and peace…
At once, I remembered what being alone felt like.
It was just me. No one else.
But amazingly, that felt ok. I was ok.
Even though I was alone, I was not lonely.
This crisis my mind was enduring, was only temporary.
Fleeting ,like life, itself.
Just one tiny moment, in the grand scheme of things.
I was so wrong.
I realized, in that moment, as the water grew closer…
That everything in my life that I'd thought was unfixable,
was totally fixable—
Except for having just jumped.
Yet, here I am. Alive.
Two broken wrists, a tailbone, a jaw and bunch of bones in my feet—
I was just fine. And I was so happy.
It was not my time to go.
When I told death “ok”,
Death stared back at me and said:
“Not today. You are not finished yet.”
If it’s your time to go, then I’m not going to tell you to stay.
But while your standing on the edge of the bridge—
And you look at your life, and put that moment into perspective.
This is the only moment you won’t be able to take back.
Look down, off the edge of that bridge.
Of your darkness…
And turn around.
Smile real big.
And walk away.
You are not finished yet.
~ Shane Christopher
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