My eyes rest for a second

                     And for that moment it’s there again

That grey stitched texture of the back seats

                     The faint fragrance that reminded me of ease 

                                         Driving up island to the corn fields

                                                                Pastures of green rushing by on each side of the car doors

                                                                                        We were out to get pumpkins for your family

                                                                And I was there 

                                          Invited along as your girlfriend

                        Your dad drove

Thick brown hair dancing from the open window

                        Just like yours

                                 Mom in the passenger seat

                                                  Beautiful smile below her thin metal rimmed glasses

                                                                      We sat three across

                                                        Your sister on the right

                                            You in the middle

                         And then myself

The sun rose behind the trees in the back windshield

Weather still warm enough for jeans and a t-shirt

                            Your sister grew amused at a white sign that passed by on the side of the road

                                                 “ Hearty mums- $5 ”

                                                                   It sat in front of a wooden church

                                                                   Tiger lilies at its feet

                             Joking as if it could be the name a rock band assembled by British moms 

                             I recall her high pitched laugh that could make anyone love her

You sat holding my hand

               Childish smile still floating around as you listened to their conversation

                                  Perplexed posture as your arm laid across my thigh

               So comfortable

Every aspect adorned the moment to perfection

          I stared aimlessly out the window upon still-green trees

                      No sign of the leaves turning their upsetting brown

                             No sign of a future withdrawal

                                    Except for a few falling endlessly on to the street

                                    As the roof of the car flew under a bridge of oak trees

A small green insect climbed on the inside window

No one realized it was there, except for me

          It was so trapped-so out of place

         I felt as if we had much in common

                    It climbed up to the top of the clear glass and then to the side.

          Trying to look for an out- that was our only difference 

I wanted to be where I was, I was finally happy 

                      And it was all perfect

                                             But as much as I wanted to 

                                                                     I didn't belong

                                                                                                 Even if you told me I did 

Even if your parents kept trying help me fit in 

                      And your sister told me I was part of the family 

                                I sure as hell didn't feel like I did 

                                             I remained quite- staring out into the world

                                                                                         Like a lost child

                                                                       Because that's who I was

                                                                                             who I still am

                                                                                                                  Except now there is no one to hold my hand

                                                                                                                                         No perfection 

                                                                                               Because my suspicion ruined it all

                                                                            I enjoyed the moments while they lasted 

                                                 But everything comes crumbling down

Especially if it's too perfect 

                          Especially if out of the corner of your mind 

                                                    You knew it was crippling from the start

                                                                             “I love you” never came close to the truth

                                                                                                      And I warned you they were dangerous words

                                                                                                                   But you played them like a game 

                                                                                                        So I took one turn

                                                                           I tried to forget my worries

But my fears seemed to love me more than you ever did

               They would hold my hand when you weren't around

                                         They whispered in my ear when I couldn't call you

                                                                           I trusted them when they said they would stay

                                                                                              And when I open my eyes

                                                                                                                      They’re still here

                                                                                                                                                And you’re not