And here I thought that we would write books

Magazines of controversy to be shouted at and intellectualized

My careful prose beside your images of naked boys in animal masks

Bonded again in our censorship like we had been before

Praised for our unapologetic realism – powerful

 

I knew you too well for either of us to be comfortable

What you would say to her at two in the morning

I watched you leap from my bed for a call from two thousand miles away

Fear devouring fear

She was afraid and I should have been too

 

I remember when my face turned to plastic, cracking at every seam

The tears that ran down my face were saltier than the bread and water you gave me

Thicker than the beer that sat between us so we didn’t get too close

And the both of you found me hiding from the one

Who started the destruction of my empathy

 

It makes me sick to think of you now as it sickened me to think of him

But I never believed he was good like I believed of you

You made me a child of smoke and the archetypes I found fascinating

And I shattered the glass I was hoping you would help me to break

Plunging into an icy ocean before learning how to swim

 

You will always be the first to run, even if you don’t expect it

We are your support beams because we can handle your weight

Even if you cannot handle ours

Even if you prefer laughter and sex and cameras to truth

And cannot face going home to your reflected self

 

I suffered the consequences of actions more yours than mine

Old habits bit and sliced through me while I wondered after the right response

Shame or pride or hope or love

Not knowing why I had taken a risk but hoping it was the right one

Sitting alone making lists and writing in French that we were doomed

 

I tried to paint you with a tortured heart instead of a coward’s

Because we are malleable like clay to your touch

A touch that showed the anger and pain you try to cover with games

Like a child I see you hiding

And you are too old for elementary school excuses

 

You have whitened my knuckles and taken the last of my sympathy

I doubt it would have lasted anyway with someone who liked Ginsberg so much

I always just thought he was a pedophile