In the Fire / Acceptance

The things I lost
Are vast.
Difficult to name,
Harder to think about
Without anger bubbling up the well in my chest
Whole years are smoke.
Memories, good and bad,
Swirling into empty space,
No matter how hard I try to hold onto them.
What memories I have of those years
are singed-
some too damaged to look at
And see anything but flame,
Or feel it burning
Beyond those, the years of terror;
sleepless nights,
screaming awake,
My cat won't sleep on my bed anymore because I startle him so often
Regular panic attacks,
becoming familiar with every bathroom
and gentle corner of our highschool,
And every workplace
I lost a healthy relationship with my own body;
The years I tried to cut and starve the hatred out
I lost relationships
The ability to feel safe in my own skin
To trust anyone fully,
To wear pajamas.
A first kiss
One that makes you the good kind of nauseous
I nearly lost my life
For the sixth time last year
What hurts the most
Is to think of who I might have been
If this hadn't happened to me.
A person my family will never get to know. 
But what survived,
Born from ash and soot
And crumbling remains;
Is who I am today.
Imperfect, but growing,
And full of life,
And so much love,
And a working understanding of the words
Peace, and even forgiveness.
Though, I may not have mastered them yet.
And most of all,
And after years and years of fighting for it;
A future that I want to be a part of.
One that's bright, because goddamnit, I'm gonna make it bright.
And built with the people I love,
And with my own two hands,
That maybe I'll learn to love someday too.
A future I refuse to give up on.
And I won't let him take that away from me.
Or anything else anymore.
In fact, I'm taking it all back.
Every single damn thing.
I wrote this poem to say
I bought myself pyjamas.



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