Dear Friends,

I choked on a nosebleed in the middle of the night.

Coughing, I started up out of bed,

Suffering.

To breathe would fill my lungs with blood

So I strangled myself until I reached the

Porcelain white sink,

And released the floodgates

And out poured crimson rivers,

From my nose and mouth

Staining

The snow-white sink

With steaming hot red.

The streams then turned to trickles

And then to drip-drip-drips.

I washed my hands and face

With soap

And cold water,

Rinsed twice

The water stung.

Back to the bedroom I plodded

And let my head fall forcefully

Onto the pillow

I didn’t even bother to pull my sheets

Up enough to cover me

I stared at the plain, plaster-white ceiling and sighed.

I’d never felt so defeated.

The taste of blood lingered in my mouth,

My body aching, and cold.

But my face burned.

My limbs were paralyzed,

My soul was screaming,

Thrashing violently.

Tears of melted glass

Rolled down my cheeks

Scalding,

Like dry ice

Or an acid burn;

Emotional tyranny.

 

I’m in spiritual agony.

Yet, silence is the only voice that’s heard.

The loneliness settled in

And now desperation.

All I want is for this to end.

I contemplate it day and night,

Self-destruction and the pointlessness of life.

But something always pulls me back

From the self-hate, the sin and the strife,

 

It comes to me amidst the silence,

In the numb and the quiet:

It’s my brethren that keep me

From acts of self-violence.

Friends, you keep me alive,

You keep me breathing,

You quiet my soul

When I can’t keep it from screaming.

You are my anchors and wings-

The reminder that

I can live for greater things.

To you, my friends, I am grateful always.

Until next time,

kuronekosama