10 months of non-stop self-hatred of my body

10 months of shoving a finger down my throat, just to have this illusion of me having control

Over my body weight

Constantly being aware of the calories going into my mouth

How disgusting it was knowing all those calories were going in

Bulimia gave me the false sense of hope and security that the more I purge, the thinner I’ll be

Yet, Bulimia made me weaker

Mentally, physically, and emotionally

No matter what, I always trusted Bulimia

I never questioned it

Even though my health was slowly crumbling

Even though there were days where there was blood in my vomit

I didn’t care

The only thing I cared about was seeing the numbers go down

Until one day

That day, I broke and told my parents

I cried and cried for what seemed like hours

My mom was devastated

No one knew what I’ve been through

It was a secret that only I knew

I could feel the sadness and disappointment that radiated from my parents

My mom said that she didn’t want me to end up in the hospital

And I didn’t want that burden placed on them

So, I slowly recovered

My purging habits slowly came to a stop

But my self-esteem

Was lower than ever

There were days where I couldn’t look at my body

For fear of seeing something that wasn’t truly there

Some days were easier

There were days where I didn’t care about what I wore or what and how much I ate

Those days are the best

However, recovery was not easy

Sometimes the urge to purge was strong

But I refused to give in to my demons

Now realizing how badly Bulimia has fucked me

I want to say Fuck you to Bulimia

Fuck you for making me think that purging to get thinner would work

Fuck you for making me hate my body

Fuck you for making me self-conscious of what I wear

But I will never let you drag me back to the hell that was created

Now I’m better

Now I’m not as self-conscious as I was

Now I feel much comfortable in wearing more revealing clothing

Now I am not as nervous when it comes to social events

I can now enjoy life without much fear when it comes to my weight

Now, I changed my habits

Now I eat healthier and better

My self-esteem has drastically improved

I can wear whatever I want

With no fear of Bulimia

I can finally say

That without a doubt

That

Bulimia is a fucking bitch

All that bulimia has done for me was

Causing endless suffering

And crippling body image issues

I want to reclaim those 10 months wasted on false hope

Fuck you bulimia for taking those 10 months away from me

Straight up fuck you

I’m glad you never could take full control of me

I’m glad I got to reclaim every part that you have contaminated

With all of your bullshit lies

Never again will I listen to your lies

For I am a better person

A person who has grown

A person who has fought her insecurities

A person who can move on from this hell of an insecurity

No more will I fall into that cycle of false hope

For now, I know better

And will not let this weight me down

And will refuse to listen to Bulimia ever again

I am glad to be able to have the courage and strength to close one hell of my life

And allow a new heaven to open up for me

Bulimia can fuck off

Because I don’t need something as toxic as Bulimia in my life

For Bulimia is nothing but a bitch ass who thought that it can control my life

The only thing I want to say to Bulimia is

Fuck you bulimia

I never should have trusted you

Just go fuck off