I’m a raging inferno,

a ball of fire,

emotions swirling,

hatred, anger, bitterness, resentment,

my mental state? 

Extremely dire!

 

Counselors call it “dysregulated”,

I call it emotional emancipation.

 

A mother’s abandonment,

a father’s alcoholism,

a mentor’s betrayal,

a marriage dissolution.

 

Sick to the stomach,

flashbacks and nightmares,

headaches or just constantly feeling scared.

 

I eat,

I drink,

I vomit,

heaviness weighing on my chest.

 

I also run, spin, and do all things physical,

yet exercise,

 can’t exorcise the demons inside.

 

The wounds hurt,

like a knife cutting through tendon,

blood dripping,

my thoughts?

Quite menacing.

 

I think of death,

suicide,

thoughts of being gone,

what it would be like,

to leave Earth,

and abandon all my human bonds.

 

But,

I cling to life,

like a man drowning at sea,

clutching to anything,

to give me a reason to still be.

 

Here,

In this place,

God’s creation,

It’s beautiful but tainted,

by our human iniquity,

our frailties,

our abuses.

 

Yet,

I will live,

endure,

persevere,

despite being beaten, molested, maligned.

 

My story will come out,

my story won’t die in shame,

it matters to God,

it matters to me,

it matters to know I am seen.