It took 10 years to teach myself how to breathe again

How to live without pretending that’s what I was doing

To stop allowing myself to die quietly

As to not inconvenience the neighbors

It took 10 years to accept the person I had always been

Who I’d been destined to become

And promise I will love them anyway.

That I will love them til the day we die

Til the spiraling staircase of my mind stops climbing

Til the day the sun stops burning

Or the tides stop turning

And I hope someday I can learn to call this body beauty

But we will take one victory at a time

And the truth is I don’t want to kill myself anymore.

Not today.

And that is the best victory of all

And the candle on my desk has become a symbol

for the most important moments in every persons life.

Birth and death

And when I light a candle for my own birthday cake next month

Even if I am alone

Even if they all forget it is my birthday

I will still have myself

And when the candles burn out after my funeral,

Let them know I was not alone

I did not die alone

And it’s silly to think that was always my greatest fear

And how every man I have ever loved

Left me with a sour taste in my mouth

What a familiar flavor

And every time the door closes behind them,

The walls would shudder with fear

Like a memory older than midnight

And I know there will be new doors

And I know I will find new love

Someday

And never forget this body is a towering hotel

With a different room for every man I will ever love

And the vacancy sign on my heart is dancing neon in the dark

But there are enough rooms in you

And there are enough doors in you

It's just funny how dark it can feel,

once you've closed a door behind you.