Dear attacker,

 

It has been so long since I’ve seen your face

yet I feel I will never forget it

brown eyes

pale skin

white teeth

the most charming smile

the movement of your rosy lips as you asked me to help you

you took my kindness for granted

you took me for granted

but I

underestimated you

for it was you who served me a warm bowl of sorrow

even when I said I wasn’t hungry

kind

handsome

were the words I once described you with

ugly

rapist

is what I see you as now

you left me

bleeding

scared

alone

but when I came forward

it was my fault

because a man needs what he needs, right?

it was my fault that I

a nine-year-old lover of pigtails and Disney

was found appealing by you

 a boy twice my age

 

I met you again when I was 14

except this time

you took on the form of a boy my age

you told me I was beautiful

I became uncomfortable

I turned you down

I still remember the sound of your footsteps

as you followed me home from school

your hands coarse and erosive like sand

fingers bruising my skin

this time I didn’t come forward

I was scared that you would be portrayed as the victim

instead of me

because I drove him mad with lust, right?

 

I met you once more

except this time

you were handcuffed

I was on a stand

five other girls smiled up at me

tears filling their eyes and mine

you looked up at me and smiled

and I raised my chin and stared you in response

you no longer control me

you cannot have me

you cannot

have

me