Sometimes I experience depersonalization (where I don’t feel like a person; don’t recognize my hands; can’t remember basic facts about myself). It’s quite terrifying to be honest, and this is my first attempt at trying to express my feelings about these experiences. I thought what better place to do it than in a poem about myself (or lack thereof).  

NOTE: What I have written here is my own personal experience and what I have deemed as depersonalization; It is NOT the diagnosis of a professional. Depersonalization can have a variety of symptoms, and I repeat, this is my own personal experience with it.

 

White Noise Human

 

Silent in the night

I stand

Puncturing the stardusted sky

Who am I?
Red beacons

Like cuts on my skin

Pulse

Proving that I’m still alive  

Still alive

Who am I?

Breathe

 

The metal skeleton I have become

Numb and confused

Unfeeling and trapped

With metal beam ribs crossed over my frantic heart

And heavy feet welded down amongst the dewy, green grass

Screams under the weight of the wind

Gusts of lost memory

Did I do that?

Did I say that?

I don’t remember

Beat me to near insanity

Breezes of second-guessing myself

Was I always like this?

Did it used to be different?

I can’t remember

Haunt me

Who am I?

 

But something hums in the darkness

Permeating the night

Invisible waves of sound

Wash over me

Slowly lapping like the tranquil ocean tide

Shaky, leaden hands

(Are they mine?)

Grab onto

Thousands of

Songs, voices, stories,

Conversations, ideas, opinions

That echo in this night

That aren’t mine  

I hope to embody these scraps of identity and finally find myself

Who am I?  

 

After a while

Minutes, years—I can’t tell—

It just all blurs into static

Static

Static

I become static

No harsh light

No metal clawing the sky

No chatter tainting the air

Only the fuzzy, gray screen of the T.V.

The white noise of the radio

It’s comforting, quiet

It’s the space between the periods of an ellipsis

It’s me

I’m nothing but an antenna attuned to the thoughts of others

Amplifying their actions

While wondering if I have any of my own

(Sometimes I think the answer’s no)

Who am I?

Who am I?

Simply a robot trying to become human