How is it with so many people around, adoringly screaming on about how much they love you and how you're an amazing person. They're glad they know you, glad they met you. They wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they never had the opportunity to know you. Yet you still have the ordacity to feel alone in the world. You go and leave everyone alone when they need someone to be there for them but you stay at home and cry yourself to sleep at night because you believe you have no one. And you're partly right. You have no one but only because you don't let yourself get close to anyone. You are the martyr, you do so much for others but refuse for anyone do for you the same. And why is that? Are you afraid of having to pay them back? You do far more for them than they do for you already; so erase that thought from your mind. I know what it is. You're afraid of letting anyone in. You're AFRAID of allowing someone access to your mind, to allow them to see how messed up you really are. You hint at it day by day of how much you hate yourself and how you're never really happy unless you have remedial things  to go and take the place of your thoughts. How you don't just like something but you obsess over it because it's giving you this brief feeling of happiness and euphoria, so you try everything you can to keep it going. You're afraid of letting someone in far enough to see those dark dirty little secrets. Because you don't want them to look at you like a freak. You don't wan them to see you as damaged or broken, someone unstable and mental. You don't want that at all do you...but you want someone to notice. Because you figured that's the only way you'd get better. Is if someone noticed, then maybe they'd help you just like how you've helped everyone else. Without judgement because you know your secrets are far worse then any of theirs. Because you know how they don't cry themselves to sleep at night wondering when they'd stop feeling so sad. And when they do dare to be happy and have someone who makes them happy they won't be torn away from that wonderful thing. You've created this person who refuses to show an iota of emotion far from the range of acceptableness established by society as a whole of stable people so that you won't be caste out as someone who isn't the same. But in doing so you've started to hate people. To dislike those who find it so simple to just be without a baring of what it is to feel so...empty. You try to perfect yourself physically. That's why you hate your body. You don't see yourself as aesthetically pleasing because you know in your mind you are an ugly, terrible being. You constantly sneeze and sniffle not because of the changing weather and allergies but because your soul is frozen and your constantly catching a cold from that icy storm brewing inside.