When I lost my brother

Not a single day goes by
where I don’t think of you.
The feelings of heartbreak,
I thoroughly cannot explain
Comes in waves.

One instant I’m fine,
next, I’m asking "will this fade"?
If I was allowed to say goodbye,
would I suffer this way?

My soul supports no peace.
Constant reminders
of that nightmare of the day.
Often wishing I would forget.

The pain I endure, a battle my heart feels.
My heart just aches.

I was numb, anxiety raging through my chest.
The rest of my life, without you near.
It's the most undeniable reality to accept.
Knowing you are in a better place
I nevertheless refuse to be fine with this.

Remembering how hard I cried,
Remembering the horrifying phone call
Remembering how you died

Remembering being told you are gone
Remembering by the tattoo
of your name over my heart
I remember,
only I don’t want to ache anymore.

Crying in silence, crying alone
To confide about your death,
Nothing comes out, nothing at all

Your death is delicate to discuss.
Ends with me shutting down
Too hard to share, easier to keep in.

Six years without hearing your voice
I can still hear you in my head

Thank God for dreams;
it’s the only time
I get to see you again.

This poem is about: 
My family


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