Is it obvious that I’m trembling

Is it obvious that my stomach is in knots

Is it obvious that I can’t stare in the mirror for more than three seconds

Is it obvious that I haven’t been able to do that since I was nine

Is it obvious that I never feel quite right

Is it obvious that the pronoun she cuts like a dagger

Is it obvious that the pronoun he cuts just as deep

Is it obvious that if I were skinny I could wear them both proudly

Is it obvious that when my mother had me wear makeup for my senior portraits that I begged and screamed and cried no

Is it obvious that she told me that it made me look better and like a girl so deal with it because it was fifteen minutes of my life

Is it obvious that I forgot what it was like to feel human in that hour and a half of my life

Is it obvious that as soon as I got to my dad’s I ran into the bathroom and scrubbed my face clean for for forty minutes

Is it obvious that I couldn’t stop crying

Is it obvious that I had never hated myself more than in that moment

Is it obvious that every time someone compliments it or points it out I want to crawl inside of my skin and bury myself beneath rib cage so it can protect me from assault

Is it obvious that I can’t order for myself at restaurants

Is it obvious that I can’t call my grandmother on the phone

Is it obvious that when asked what do you want for dinner that I never have an answer

Is it obvious that when asked what do you want for Christmas all I want to say is

To be happy

Is it obvious I forgot what happy feels like

Is it obvious that I’ve spent years praying to remember

Is it obvious that I don’t remember the definition of hope

Is it obvious that the only time I ever hoped was when Uncle Pat got sick

Is it obvious that I haven’t hoped since because he died on April 6, 2011

Is it obvious that I got the call two hours after it happened

Is it obvious that he waited until his wife was out of the room for a smoke break to pass on so she didn't have to see it

Is it obvious that I wanted to see it so I could prove to myself that he's really gone and not just waiting to come back in a new comic book like the stack he got every week

Is it obvious that I’d never seen my dad cry before except when Cousin Joe died and we thought it was Jennifer and didn't know whether to cry from grief or guilt

Is it obvious that when my dad looked at me on the Christmas of 2009 and asked, “What’s wrong with my brother?” that I didn’t know what to say

Is it obvious that I still don’t know what to say

Is it obvious that I can’t watch Comic Book Men without crying

Is it obvious that when he died, his widow didn’t talk to anyone in the family except me

Is it obvious that I had to help a fifty-one year old woman grieve after the loss of her husband of thirty years

Is it obvious that somehow I was the only one who knew she was drowning

Is it obvious that I jumped overboard to save her

Is it obvious that I have yet to get out of the water?

 

Is it obvious that while I’ve never resorted to cutting I’ve let

Millions of other self-harm methods

Cross my skin

Etch themselves into my mind

Is it obvious that I’m my own worst enemy?
Is it obvious that I can remember all of my nightmares but only four of my dreams

Is it obvious that sometimes I remember the things my father has said to me

Is it obvious he once told me “Sometimes you make me want to drive into a barrier on the freeway”

Is it obvious that he says “You two will be the death of me”
Is it obvious that he said “The only thing that makes this bearable is that it’s you and me against her”

Is it obvious that he said “What happened to being the only person I could trust?”
Is it obvious that he said “I don’t care what they think” when I asked him if he cared what my mother said about him this week

Is it obvious she said “He can’t do anything right.”
Is it obvious she said “How could you expect him to answer the phone when you call”

Is it obvious she said “What the fuck do you have to be sad for”
Is it obvious that when he calls me I have a code where if my mother or grandmother are in the room I answer the phone “Hey Weasel”

His nickname from childhood,

Just so he can tell me whether this conversation would make my life worse if they overheard

If I have to go hide and bury myself in darkness again

Is it obvious that all I have are fictional characters to make me feel better

Is it obvious that I feel much stronger about the Joker and Loki and Gandalf and The Doctor and the Weasley Twins and Professor McGonagall and Hermione Granger than I ever could about myself

Is it obvious that this is the first year I’ve ever gone in front of the class without fainting or throwing up after

Is it obvious that my poetry is my soul being poured out onto a page

Is it obvious I’m stuck between wishing someone would save me and wishing I could just drown

Is it obvious my lungs have been filling with water so long they’re on fire

Is it obvious that writing poetry that can make you smile takes me four times as long as poetry that will make you cry

Is it obvious that the entirety of my junior year I survived thinking of all the different ways I could die

Is it obvious that sometimes I wish those ways would come true

Is it obvious that to keep myself believing in life I need to tell myself

“If you die, you’ll never hear the next Linkin Park album

“If you die, you’ll never see the crescendo of the Marvel films

“If you die, you’ll never meet Eric

“If you die, Eric will probably die too

“If you die, who will people pour their soul out to?”
Is it obvious that I don’t live for myself?
Is it obvious that I let people take parts of me to make them whole again

Is it obvious that I give pieces away to those who don’t deserve it

Is it obvious that I don’t give a shit if I were to live or to die

Is it obvious that I’m not suicidal anymore most days but death is something I look forward to

Is it obvious that my smile is fake

Is it obvious that I only feel better after I break down completely

Is it obvious that the last time I broke down completely was the second to last episode of The Newsroom

Is it obvious that was the first time in years my dad had ever seen me cry except when my cat died last month

Is it obvious that I couldn’t stop crying

Is it obvious that that cat was the one who lied with me for sixteen hours when I couldn’t bring myself to leave my bed

Is it obvious that I still can’t bring myself to leave my bed

Is it obvious that this poem is a list of confessions

Is it obvious that I’m repenting my sins

Is it obvious that I was crying while I wrote this

Is it obvious that I have no reason to be sad

Is it obvious that I have nothing to be depressed about

Is it obvious that my sister is going through a phase and it’s my fault

Is it obvious that it’s my fault

Is it obvious that it’s always my fault

Is it obvious that I get it from my dad?

Is it obvious that all this is brimming under the surface

Is it obvious that I wish I were beaten

Is it obvious that bruises can heal faster than words

Is it obvious that I can remember things back from when I was a year and a half

Is it obvious that words put to paper are the only outlet I was ever given

Is it obvious that nobody cares?