War Changed Me

The bruises and scars I received for sixteen years define me. I am broken and damaged almost beyond repair, my hopeful heart was shattered into a million pieces. The shread of the person I believe I am is just a small sliver compared to what he has made me to be. The war I fought was not a physical one but mental. Everything I did judged, every thought thunked for me, every word filtered to his desire, every conversation monitored. I tried fighting head on pleading my case, but he refused to listen.


The words “I love you” went from hardly being said to a word not being in our dictionary anymore. The words “I love you” are now sacred to me. These words that can make a person feel happy with endless butterflies in their stomachs or make a person cry like a baby. These three words should only be said when truly meant.


What a healthy relationship looks or feels like is foreign to me, but I imagine what it would be like. When you see that person you can’t help but smile knowing that they're there to see you. The first thing you both think of when you daydream is each other. You spend time with each other, but understand when to take a break from each other. You both can have a serious talk without one screaming and blaming the other. Even if you do fight, it would be resolved the next day because both of you can’t stand the division between you two. A relationship should be like tug-of-war, both of you pull and give on both sides, but if there is only one pulling the relationship the other person falls.


I want to be heard, treasured, understood, respected, and to be given space to be my own person. I was lost in who I was and am trying to find the real me underneath the pain that was dealt to me. I refuse to be subjected to living beneath someone who doesn’t love themselves. If you don’t how to love yourself, you cannot understand how to love others. As I am searching for self-love I hope I find my identity soon. I had a lot of pieces ripped apart from me when the bomb hit. They say war changes a person, I hope I change for the better


Because “I love you”


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