Didn't start out this way,

There was love,

Laughter, happiness,

Many crazy days.


Hedge jumping, apple scrumping,

Door knocking,

Brooking jumping, Hatton visiting,

Kiss chasing.


Play fighting,

Woods awash with Bluebells,

Sweet smell of roses,

Blackberry, raspberry picking.


Rhubrab Custard,

Mud fights,

Water fights,

Camping out.


What a picture,

Careless youth,

Hay stacking,

Walks in the woods.


We felt safe, secure,

Albeit slightly poor,

Keen to get outside,

Away from indoors.


Here, much uncertainty,

Mental illness,


Plenty strife, much tragedy.


Parents broken,

Didn't care much for us,

Lost in their world,

No bridges for them.


Neglects & sorrow,

Our companion, crazily,

Not knowing, security,



Mum was gone,

Mental institution, regularly,

No-one to talk too, trust, 

Very lonely.


Kept my sorrows,

Trapped, infinitely,

Cut off emotions,

Just had too, really. 


Growing up alone,

Blocked out the darkness,

Became obsessive,

Training regime.


Physical toughness,

Those limits,

Couldn't never break.



Rigid as a rock,

My psychology,

Constantly on edge,

I'll snap that fucker - won't be me. 


Time went by,

Darkness cast deep,

Lacking in energy,

Still, fighting to sleep.


Further I went, 

Down this dark alley,

Things I learnt,

Parts of me.


Dsyfunctional life,

Growing up for me,

Really didn't know,



Broken was I,

Longest of time,

Making sense of parental suicide, neglects,

Hardest days gone by.


Letting go,

Impossible  to do,

Identity, attachment, 

Starting anew.


Mixing with others,

Helped form a different part of me,

Learning a new way,



Acceptness, growing, 


Had plenty help,

Much therapy.


What worked the most,

From what I can see,

Writing it out,

For all to see. 

This poem is about: 
My family
My community
My country
Our world


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