you’ve shouted at me
you’ve put me down when i needed you to be there for me
i called you my group of friends
now, you can’t stand the fact that i don’t like what you like
absolutely furious that i don’t share your opinions
you thought i was willing to change my personality in order to make you “happy”
i was
i hid my individualities for you
i made myself unhappy in order to please the people that made fun of me
is it too much to ask for a thank you?

i came home to an empty house
desolate, alone
it didn’t take long for you to arrive
i call you my parent
my father
i’m grateful
you provide me with so much
shelter, food, happine-
wait
where’s my happiness?
it sure wasn’t here
you’re supposed to be the person i could fall on for support
you can be the person to allow me to be myself
you have to lift me out of this hole
y o u h a v e t o
please
but you wouldn’t have it
you couldn’t bear the thought that i wasn’t you
you refused to be there to support me
you’ve shut me down, insulted me, and called me the problem
and
now i’m left even more alone than i was when i came home.
i needed somebody
but
you weren’t it
thank you for being a great caretaker but a stubborn narcissist

god?
hello?
so… thank you for creating the universe?
i’m sorry, i don’t pray very often
i need someone to talk to
i need someone to be around
i’m alone and afraid to act like myself around anyone else
i’m constantly frustrated about every facet of who i am
i’ve been thinking that i’m not good at anything
i’ve been thinking that i’m a failure
that can’t be true, right?
right?
hello?
god, please i’m a panicking wreck
i need you!
i need someone!
please GOD ANSWER!
i’m falling
f
    a
         l
              l
                  i
                      n
                           g
d
o
w
n

rough nights
40 pounds underweight
left awake by dissent in my home
forced to listen to insults thrown at others
coming from the mouths of people i love
“virgins”
“losers”
“hopeless”
don’t you know?
i know these people
these are the same people whose confidence i envy
at least they were willing to be themselves
lost in my thoughts
my constant desire to change and be different
i can finally get to sleep

i’m awake
awake in my world history classroom
there you are
right in front of me
you’re my teacher
you scream at my classmates
you harass and stereotype your own students
you’ve hurt people simply for speaking their mind
it’s something that hurts
while you’re busy reprimanding innocent individuals, i have to bear the thought of knowing that the person right beside me bears the scars that you’ve caused him
the cuts on his wrists
the pain we’ve all felt but have handled differently
but i respect you
no
i thank you
not because it is a choice, but because i’m told to
to not have respect for an authority figure
jesus christ, that’s a death wish
one that the scarred person was willing to take

the scarred person
my scarred friend
physically and mentally
the one that’s been willing to listen
the one that has always allowed me to vent
the one person that GAVE a SHIT about my thoughts
and what have i done?
how did i return his behavior?

oh god

he listened when i needed him to
he gave his time just because someone else needed it
he should have been thinking for himself, but he didn’t
how many times can i say thank you?
my friend gave his time to me because he allowed himself to show compassion
to actually look into the lives of others
to be truly selfless
and what have i done?
who can i be?
can i try it?

thank you
to my dearest friend
the only person i felt comfortable to be around
you were there to help me feel better
the one person that opened my eyes to see the people around me
people that needed the attention and care that you gave me
you’ve changed the way i look at the world i’m in
you’ve opened my mind to accept people for who they are
you’ve led me to believe that maybe the world isn’t as bad as it seems

           thank you