Still Breathing



I’m not quite sure if I still have lungs

 I feel like I’m respirating

I still smell

I still feel my chest expand and deflate

I’m still alive

But I don’t feel like I’m breathing

I feel like I’m suffocating

Must be well-rounded

Must have perfect grades

Must try to exercise

Must attend extracirriculars

Must apply to college

Must apply for scholarships

Do you want to be in debt

That’s not a real major

You wont get a job

Why haven’t you applied more

Why aren’t you trying harder

Artist isn’t a real occupation

Artists starve

Artists are artists because they aren’t good enough for real jobs

Do whatever makes you happy

You can be whatever you want

Except that

You are too good to be an artist

You’re wasting your potential

 You wont get scholarships because you’re middle class

You’re wasting your time

You’re not thin enough

Your grades are not perfect enough

You’re not talented enough

You don’t get roles now why do you think you’d get them in college

You aren’t rounded enough

I scream

I sob

I’m silent

I’m stoic

I’m secluded

Why don’t you go out

Why don’t you smile anymore

 Why don’t you talk

Why are you so emotional

Why don’t you just be happy

Why don’t you just relax

Just stop worrying

Just stop caring

Just do what you’re told

We know whats best

We know what you want

We know you



Anatomy says I must have lungs.

I breathe and speak and I still function

I still sing when I’m told

Still speak when prompted to

I still fell the expanding and deflating of my chest

I still smell my food

But I still don’t feel like I’m breathing

I want to follow my dreams

I want to feel like what I’m doing is right

I want to love what I do

I don’t want to be

A doctor

A lawyer

A physicist

A psychologist

A teacher

A biologist

A Engineer

I want to be an artist

It brings me joy

It makes me feel alive

It makes me feel good about myself

I’m not doing it for the money

I’m not doing it for respect

I do it for love

I do it for happiness

I do it so I wont wake up one day 

Hating what I’ve done with my life because

Money came before my happiness.

I may only write once

At least on this subject

But I will perform forever

Because that’s who I am

So I will find a way

I will go to school

I will be a fine arts major

And I will be happy

Because even though right now

It doesn’t feel like it

I am still breathing



I know this is years after this was posted, but I found it recently and agree with the sentiments expressed. I completely understand feeling like my own breathing is detached from myself, almost like my soul is holding its breath while my body goes through the motions. I wanted to thank you for inspiring a poem I wrote, so I made an account. I hope you were able to do everything people said you couldn't in the eight years since you posted this. At least from my perspective after reading this poem, you seem very talented and motivated. The words weren't strong, but I could feel the emotions behind them. Thank you again.

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