The South Scenic Call

 

It’s morbid

To give it a name;

Such a pretty name.

A name that rolls easily

Off the tongue, into the air.

Effortless, just like they said,

You “passed away”

But dying isn’t easy, not the way you went.

Dying is hard.

Dying takes work.

You did the work, put in the time.

You fooled us, of course you did.

We didn’t know you could lie so well.

How could you lie so well…

We ate our last meal together, and you knew the whole time

That when you went upstairs to get your picture you’d also take the gun.

You might just win the Oscar, because none of us could tell

That you’d been working on this a while and now was just the countdown.

 

You stopped to say goodbye that day, although I didn’t know it then.

You hugged me tighter and longer than before, I didn’t take the hint.

I noticed you got your haircut, funny thing to do I think.

That’s just another question I have to ask of you.

But the biggest question is:

Do you know what you did to us?

 

The knock came at 11:30pm

Question after question

“Do you own a gun? Can I see it?”

The gun was gone, the questions there

We were told you were still fine, but I think now that was a lie.

Because we drove over to you

Wanted you to hear our voices

The voices of people who loved you

We wanted to save you, save you from this final decision

You can’t take this back, I know you knew that.

We waited

We waited on you

Watched the ambulance leave, the swat car too

Thinking these were good signs waiting for information

I watched as officers stepped in and out of your apartment

Thinking why did they keep having to leave the room if they were talking you down?

It’s because they weren’t

You were already gone

They told us that eventually and then everything made sense

They were stepping in and out because you did something awful

Something they didn’t even want to keep looking at

What exactly did you do?

We saw the camera’s flash even through the curtains

Our stomachs dropped, every flash hurt more than the one before

You left us there with questions, left us to spread the news

How do you tell someone your friend is dead

How do you tell them she chose it

We sat there in the cold waiting for the sake of waiting

The tears came, strangers came

Wrapped blankets around us, prayed

 

Prayer is a funny thing

They don’t all get answered

Our prayers didn’t help you save yourself and yet

These other prayers were supposed to make us feel okay

They were supposed to give us strength and help us through

What do you do when your friend dies, people pray and it's cold outside?

You leave and find some swings

So we swung at the park and cried more tears

And when the park was too cold, too dark, too alone we went home:

Home, to the place where you lived with us until just last month

Where your bed lie empty, and the walls feel heavy

Home, to the place where we left you alone for five minutes

Home, to the place where you took the gun that took your life

 

We know the battles you struggled

We listened

We cared

We still do

But you left to leave the pain behind, and that’s just what you did

You left it here

You left it right here in this world

And now the pain is bigger

We’ve picked it all up and it sits on our shoulders,

In our thoughts, in our hearts.

You left us with this thing we have to deal with.

Arrangements we have to help with, people we have to tell.

You left us with all of your secrets

And it’s hard