The day you left,

I felt nothing.


Partly because it

Was at 2 in the morning,

But mostly because

I was trying to process what was happening.


Why did you run away that night?

Running from your troubles, I assume.


You had me help you pack,

And load up the truck.


I helped you write your goodbye note.

And I watched you drive away.


After I ran upstairs,

I called you to tell you how proud I was.


Why was I proud?


Because we did it


Without waking anyone up?


Why was I proud?


Looking back now,

I wish you wouldn’t have

Left so quickly.


You were going to leave


But you could have done it

During the day

And with the consent of

Our father.


He misses you,

I suppose.

I know I do.


Maybe one day

You’ll come back

And father won’t be mad

And our aunts won’t hate you.


Maybe it could be

During Christmas?


I’m going to be terribly

Lonely on that day.


This will be my

First Christmas

Without you.


I suspect

I won’t enjoy it

As much as I

Normally would

With you there.


Who’s going to make fun of me

When I refuse to stop playing

With my geeky gadgets?


I don’t want to wake up

And open presents

With these strangers

I’m supposed to refer to

As family.


I want to open presents

With you

And dad.


I want to see

The matching

Clothes our father

Gives us.


Who’s going to sit at the

Opposite end of the buffet

And open gifts?


Who am I going to talk to

When we go to grandma’s house?


I think Christmas

Is my least

Favorite holiday now.


But every other holiday

Is now

A close second.


I miss you.

And I wish

You would come back.


Not for dad,

And not because everyone wanted you to.


But for me.


I know you never will,



I knew that

The second

You told me

You were leaving.


There is no one

To help me with math.

I no longer have your room

To cry in.

And I no longer

Get woken up

At midnight

To hear about

Your amazing night.


I will always

Long for you

To come home

But I know

That if I were


I wouldn’t

Come back



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