i’ve been consumed by my selfish wants,
consumed by me craving to hold you,
consumed by dreams of a better reality
consumed by you and only you.
i drag my fingers against my sheets,
movements slow and hesitant to match
the fogginess wrapped around my head.
it holds me like a noose, begging for me
to just try and get rid of it again, because
at least it smothers any thoughts of you.
but like always, you are stubborn, and
even though you aren’t and will never be
here with me, i feel you near me, feel
your warm arms wrap around me, feel
your soft breaths against my neck, feel
your heart beating just as fast as mine.
but whenever i let my eyes flutter open,
you always seem to leave.
and as i shiver a bit, blanket far too thin
and bed feeling far too cold and empty,
i bite back the tears stinging my eyes.
i long for you. i’m far too wrapped up in
your eyes, eyes which will never see me
the way i’ve always seen you: beautiful.
though i lose the fight against my tears,
i decide silently to tuck the loneliness
underneath the pillow, hidden from any
eyes but my own, just how it should be.
yet my heart still beats for yours.
and i’m scared.